While I wait, I pull out the letter opener, inspecting it closer. I like the thin blade and clean look. How the light gleams on the metal when I tilt it just right. It looks mean even though it’s small.
After a few minutes, Brother appears and closes the door, a floppy magazine clutched to his chest. Then he grabs my hand and pulls me forward. We run down the hall and head back the way we came, only stopping when we reach the bathrooms.
My heart does the strange thing that it always does when I enter the room, though I know there’s no cleansing tubs, just shower stalls. I eye the magazine as we enter the bathroom, and catch a man’s face with blonde hair and words across the top I can’t read.
“I thought you said it was a book,” I say, pointing to the magazine as he closes the door.
Brother makes a strange face and looks down. “Who cares?” he says. “Cook showed it to me last week.”
I grumble, already bored, and twirl the letter opener, waiting for Brother to show me what’s inside the magazine.
“Look,” he says, whispering as he moves in closer.
I grip the paperknife in a fist and lean in, glancing down at the glossy page with worn edges. When I see the first image, I stumble back, my heart beating in my chest, and I’m back there.Bile and panic and salty sweat fill my mouth. The smell of wax and the pungent odor of incense invade my nose. The sour scent of body odor. Prayers and moans whisper in my ear. Pain, and that other feeling I liked but hated that I liked it because it felt wrong, tingle along my spine.
“—says we can do this too,” Brother is saying, but all I can hear isher.
Let me see. I will help you.
Brother nudges my arm. “Do you think it will hurt?”
Yes.
“Just hold still. I’ll cleanse you of the dark matter inside you.”
It’s like when Commander Maxy announces lights out and everything goes dark. When the room is just bluish light streaming in through the windows and dark shadows. My visions too blurry to see because all I can see is the purging room. Shades of blue and flesh and sin.
Feel hands.
Touching.
Touching now.
“We can do it now,” I hear brother say, but I can’t see his face. He’s just a blob of pale skin and dark holes for eyes.
Eyes like hers.
“In secret.”
I feel a hand on my belt, but it’s not mine. Tugging it open. Doing things I don’t want. My fingers curl around the paperknife in my hand. I lift my arm. Grip the handle, right over the snake.
Aim.
Strike.
A scream fills the room, echoing on the walls, crashing into my ears.
“No,” I say, letting go of the metal handle as I take a step back.
Her words flood my thoughts.
Filthy, filthy, sinful boy.
The scream continues, and my focus shifts to Brother before me, my eyes clearing, the past fading. Red smears my vision, but it expands, shifts. Then it’s dripping down and searing across his cheeks. He stops screaming and falls to his knees.
The screaming stops.
A crash behind me thunders through the room.
