She shrugs. “I just want them to see what it’s going to be like for them when I’m not around. It’s an important lesson for them to learn before they age out of the system and have to go into the real world with nothing and no one.”
“That won’t ever happen.”
“Yes, it will. It happened to me, and every other kid I know that grew up in foster care. Isis and Imani aren’t special, girl. The same thing is going to happen to them, and when it does, they’ll wish they had listened to me instead of believing all the shit you’re putting in their heads.”
“Everything I’ve told them about what their lives can be has been rooted in truth and based on my observation of their skills and work ethic. They are exceptional girls, Joanna, and they are better than you in every way. The sad, miserable life you lead could never be their future. I would never let that happen.”
“You’re talking like you planning on sticking around or something.”
“That’s the first thing you’ve gotten right all night, Joanna.” I bring both hands together, treating her to the applause she seems so desperate for. “You might not care enough to see them past a certain point, but I have no intention of ever walking away from them. As long as they want me in their lives, I’ll be there.”
It’s a sacred vow. One I’ve sworn without consulting the people it centers around or the men I plan to spend my life with. And still, the words only feel right coming out of my mouth. A truth that tastes like destiny. A pledge that scares the fuck out of Joanna and leads to her slamming the door in my face. A promise that could shake the foundation of what Cal, Beck and I are trying to build.
I turn to face them, heart pounding and sticky tendrils of fear wrapping around my insides because we never discussed dedicating ourselves to anyone but each other. They both stare at me, and I’m hit with the memory of standing on another porch being held in their gazes. This time, there’s no Aubrey and no pretense, only the open channels of love flowing freely and resolute expressions that tell me nothing I’ve said to Joanna scares them because they adore those two girls as much as I do.
21
BECK
“And how does that make you feel?”
The most well known therapy question slips past Dr. Pike’s lips with ease, and I can’t stop myself from laughing. She gives me an odd look, gazing heavenward to recall the last thing she said. Then she cringes and laughs too.
“Sometimes there’s just no avoiding the classics,” she says, smiling. “And I still need an answer.”
We were discussing Selene’s argument with Joanna, particularly the way it ended, before I got distracted. I take a second to gather my thoughts, making sure that my answer is thorough and truthful while still maintaining the privacy of Selene and the girls. So far, I’ve only mentioned Cal by name in our sessions, and I’ll keep it that way for the foreseeable future. I trust Dr. Pike, but I can’t have my romantic involvement with Selene documented in any way because I don’t know who might have access to her files. Especially the ones in her home office where she sees clients who aren’t employed by the federal government.
Just looking around, I can spot several ways someone would half a brain could get in and out of here undetected. She follows my gaze around the room. “Something wrong?”
“You should really think about upgrading your security system,” I say, smoothing my hands over the fabric of my sweats.
Dr. Pike frowns. “I’ll consider that. Let’s stay on topic, though, Lance. Your partner expressed a desire to establish an ongoing relationship with these girls. This means that they will be a part of your life as well, might even require you to act as something of a paternal figure to them to some degree. That’s a big commitment for her to make without first discussing it with you and Cal. Tell me what you were feeling.”
I think back to that moment. It’s been a week, but I still remember the steel infused in Selene’s words. The fear in her eyes when she turned around and looked at me and Cal, clearly worried that she’d promised more than we’d be willing to give. The hugs she gave us when we told her that we’d been talking about the future and what it might look like to have a family. The hope we all felt at the thought of potentially building that family around two amazing kids like Isis and Imani.
“Excited,” I admit, pulse kicking up a bit. “And scared.”
“Fear is understandable. The girls seem to have a complicated home life.”
“Their foster mom is….something.”
Joanna’s suggestion that Cal and I were…I can’t say the words, can’t even think them, that’s how fucking sick they make me. When I was done being angry though, I felt kind of sad for Joanna. She said she grew up in foster care too. I can only imagine what kind of horrors she must have lived through to have such a warped view of the world. Still, it doesn’t give her the right to draw conclusions like that about me or Cal.
“Do you think she’ll pose a threat to the bond you and your partners are trying to establish with the girls?”
“Absolutely.”
There’s not a bit of doubt in my mind about that. Joanna has been dealt a bad hand, and she can’t imagine an outcome for Isis and Imani that’s any different than her current reality. Because of that, she’s determined to keep them from anything and anyone that might bring them any joy or hope.
Dr. Pike’s brows raise like her interest has been piqued by my certainty. I’m prepared to elaborate, but then she shifts in her seat, signifying a change in subject. “Is the fear you feel rooted in the potential obstacle? Or is it related to something else?”
I fight the urge to analyze, to look past the brick she’s just laid in my path in search of the destination. That’s the hardest part of therapy for me, staying present and being mindful. I’m always putting the outcome before the process, trying to mold my answers to fit whatever point I think Dr. Pike is trying to make instead of just answering honestly and letting the chips fall where they may.
“Mostly, the obstacle.” I say. “I’m worried about what it might do to my partner if the foster mom doesn’t allow her to see the girls anymore. That’s a real possibility since legally she’s not obligated to do so. My partner would be devastated though. She loves those girls. We all do.”
The words feel almost foreign on my tongue, but they’re true. Imani and Isis are easy to love, innocent in that way children are but also full of wisdom that reflects the pain and loss they’ve experienced too early in life.
She nods. “Those are valid concerns. Let’s imagine for a second that it all works out. The foster mother is not an issue. The girls are in the care of you and your partners. What fears come up for you then?”
