“Do you still think those two boys could fall in love?” Austin’s quiet question makes my stomach twist with want.
“Maybe,” I whisper. I let my fingers idly trace the words on the page. I used to believe so hard in love. I thought it would cure all, fix everything, and be my salvation and my safety. “Nothing really changed, you know? I was still writing about magic. Just in a different way.”
Austin hums, leaning on me and pressing his lips to my temple. “What do you mean?”
“I wrote about love like itwasmagic.” I touch the wordlovewith my fingertip, tracing it over and over like it can somehow bring back the hope I had when I wrote it. Back when the idea of love was warmbrown eyes and sweet, sunshine kisses. Back when it felt like the cure and not the ailment.
Now love is tainted. Just like me. Mixed up with bruises and pain. “It’s not, though. It’s an illusion.”
Austin’s quiet for a second. “Love’s not an illusion, Luc.”
“Sure feels like it,” I mumble.
“Can I tell you something that might hurt your feelings a little?”
I glance at Austin to find him watching me with a serious expression. “Sure.” I brace for impact, sure that harsh words from Austin will hurt more than any hit I took from Damien.
“Damien didn’t love you.”
I blink at him in shock for a beat. “What?”
“That wasn’t love, Luca. Nothing about it was.”
An ache blooms in my heart, nearly stealing my breath. “I know that.”
“Do you?” Austin asks softly, reaching a hand up to cup my jaw. “Because I worry that you think love equals cruelty, Luca, and it doesn’t. If I were lucky enough to love you, I’d never lay a hand on you.”
“I don’t want a relationship,” I say automatically, wanting to suck the words back in the second his eyes dim a little. “I don’t—I mean, it’s just… ugh!”
I sit up, frustrated and upset with myself for hurting him. He follows in a rush, sliding his hands into my hair and forcing my gaze to his. “I know what you mean, baby,” he murmurs, and my heart goes haywire. I really do like it when he calls me that. “I’ll never push you into something you don’t want. With me or with anyone else.”
That’s never been a doubt in my mind. I know Austin would never force me into anything. It’s part of what makes me feel so safe with him. Knowing that everything is my choice. “I know. Is therea balance, though?” I ask.
“Balance?”
I nod. “Yeah, like… can we still kiss and maybe have sex eventually?” I say. God, I really hope sex is on the table in the future. Sex with someone I trust? Who respects me? Fuck yes. “But like, itnotbe a relationship?”
I hold my breath while Austin mulls over my words, his eyes scanning my face. “You want the closeness. The intimacy, but not the label or the pressure.”
Fuck, it sounds awful when he puts it like that, but yes, essentially. “Kind of. Maybe it’s all in my head, but being ‘in a relationship’ feels like a trap. I want to be with you. God, so bad. But not, um… not locked into anything.”
It’s not fair to ask of him, and I know that. Iknowit’s not. He would never ask something like that of me, and I can’t believe I’m even thinking about asking it of him. But I think it’s all I can offer. It’s all Iwantto offer. And just like when we were young, I trust Austin.
“Okay,” he agrees easily. “That’s fine. We can make it our own thing. No labels. Just sex and kisses and whatever else you want.”
I can’t help but laugh. “You make it sound so simple.”
He shrugs. “Itissimple, baby. This is what you want, and I want to give you what you want.”
I don’t even know what to say to that. Whatdoyou say when someone so easily accepts your limitations and boundaries instead of plowing through them and acting like they’re entitled to you or your body or mind?
I have no idea.
So I do the only thing I can think of and lean in to kiss him. He smiles against my lips, his fingers gently stroking my face. All toosoon, he’s pulling away. “Write your idea down, baby.”
I’m still smiling when I pull the pen from the spiral binding and turn the page, adding my newest idea right after my musing about two young boys falling in love.
Chapter 22
