“What the hell are you talking about?” I yell. “She does know the real me! She knows me better than anyone on this planet!”
“She knows you’re cheating on her, you philandering asshat. So fucking typical! The athlete getting his kicks while his woman is at home. You disgust me,” she snaps.
I feel sick. “I am not cheating on Audrey. I would never do that. I can’t stand cheaters. I haven’t spoken to my mom in years because she had an affair with my married college coach, and broke up a marriage. I would never do that to Audrey.”
“Then why did you admit it to your agent, Jamie? She literally heard it straight from your mouth. You can say all you want to me, but the only one to blame here is you. You lost the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Don’t call this number again, and don’t even think about showing up at the clinic. Audrey took the week off anyway, and she’s out of town, so don’t sit outside her place like a lovesick puppy either.”
The call ends without a response from me. Confused, I pull up my call log. “Chelsea said Audrey heard me say I was cheating on her. The only time I’ve even insinuated that was during our conversation this morning, and — oh, my God. There’s a call from her. It was a couple of minutes long.”
“So she overheard our conversation, and you said something about how you’d fucked Audrey a few times, but the real woman you wanted was … how did you put it? Same timeline, different girl.”
Nausea overtakes me. “There’s no other girl, Troy. I swear. Audrey is it. She’s the only woman that has ever mattered to me.”
“Fucking hell, man.” Troy sighs, leaning back against the seat and propping his foot on a table. “I’m at a loss here. Let’s meet in the morning and we’ll figure out a plan.”
“Chelsea said Audrey went out of town for the week,” I murmur sullenly, dropping my face into my hands. It’s remarkable how much a mood can change in twenty minutes.
“Well, we can concoct a plan for the event. She has to be there. We’ll get your girl back, Jamie. I know we will,” Troy says assuredly, but I don’t get my hopes up. If Audrey overhead me lying to Troy, then she had every reason to block me. I would have done the same thing.
An hour later, I slowly walk into my empty house, knowing it’s devoid of the only person I want to see. I knew she wouldn’t be here, but it was still like a knife to the heart when I saw her empty garage spot. Walking through the house, I see she’s cleared everything out. Not even a hair on the shower wall has been left behind.
Back in the kitchen, I spot a paper on the counter, next to her garage opener and my spare key. Fuck.
Jameson,
I should have known better. Shame on me, I guess. Same timeline, different girl. I should have known a guy like you would never go for a girl like me.
All future event correspondence will go through the foundation board. At the event, do not speak to me. I want nothing to do with you. Congratulations on breaking my heart. I hope the event will be worth it to you.
Doctor Audrey Carrington
She called me Jameson.
The handwritten note gives me an immediate migraine. I don’t deserve her. To know that I’ve hurt her this way? God. I feel like such a fucking failure. I wish I wasn’t blocked, so I could tell her how sorry I am. How I’ll never forgive myself for causing her even a moment of pain. And that I’d do whatever she asked for if she’d give me another chance.
But, knowing that she probably won’t ever unblock me, I decide to get the words out on paper. A therapist during the first few years of my NFL career suggested that I write things down. He said that sometimes the words need to come out of our heads. It’s a quiet and simple way to get the release I need. I’ve done it before, and it’s helped.
I walk into my office, staring at the empty guinea pig enclosure. Sitting in the chair I bought for Audrey, I grab a notebook from the table and get to work.
Doc,
I have a million things to say, yet I can’t figure out a way to start saying them. I hate knowing you’resomewhere alone, hurting. That I can’t be there for you. That I’m the reason WHY you’re hurting. I’m such an idiot.
There’s no other woman. There never was. Same timeline, different girl? No. A complete lie. I was trying to buy us some time. I hadn’t fully admitted to my agent about our relationship, and I thought it was better if I kept him in the dark. You know how much I hate lying, and he does too. He even called me out on it, saying he knew something was up. But I just doubled down, instead of fessing up to my feelings for you.
I wasn’t hiding you for the reasons I’m sure you’ve conjured up in your mind. I think it was twofold: (1) I was so fucking scared you’d take one look at what I deal with every day of my life, and you’d run as far away from me as possible, and (2) I liked having you all to myself. We were in our own little bubble, and I didn’t want to burst it. But I fucked it up, and you ran anyway. Not that I blame you.
I don’t trust a lot of people. I’ve learned to keep my circle small and tight. Bringing you into my heart was so easy it scared me. Loving you has been like breathing. That’s what this is: love. I love you. I’m beyond love, honestly. I’m borderline obsessed with you. I’d go to the ends of the earth to bring you what you need or want.
I will regret that stupid conversation with Troy for the rest of my miserable life, but I won’t regret the brief time I had the privilege of loving you.
Love always,
Your Jamie
That one letter opens a gaping wound in my heart, and I begin writing to Audrey whenever I fancy. In between workouts, before I go to sleep, every night at dinner. A full week has passed since my world imploded, and I’ve yet to run out of things to say.
Aud,
