My sister, Eve, comes barreling through the doorway and interrupts my thoughts. I didn’t even hear her come into the house.
“Hey, what’s up?” She told me that she’d be coming over to visit today. We’re incredibly close and share everything. Well, except one thing, but we aren’t getting into that conversation right now.
“Checking on my favorite brother.” She thinks she’s so funny. I’m heronlybrother.
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for visiting, favorite sister.” We hug each other. And I realize that’s just what I needed.
I’m having such a hard time with life. My sister’s perspective always seems to help when I can’t get my head out of my ass, so I’m grateful she’s here. She takes a seat as I run my fingers through my hair.
“You look like shit, dude. What’s going on?” she asks, concern furrowing her brow.
Tell it like it is sis, but fuck, I’m in a dark place.It’s like, one by one, everything I love is being taken away from me. First it was Faith, now snowboarding, what’s next?
“Where do I start? Sitting at home doing nothing is not helping. I’m going crazy.” I rub my hands over my exhausted face.
Eve gets back up and comes closer. She grabs hold of my hand and says, “Snowboarding was your life. I know how much you love it. Life throws us curve balls, and we adjust. I know your best friends are in Utah, but there are friends here, too. You can reach out to them.”
She’s right, but it’s hard being laid up while your friends are out living their dreams—my dream.
“I know,” I say and pick up my phone, pondering my next move.
“Mom mentioned that your physical therapy is going smoothly, despite sitting around all day.”
Physical therapy is going well, but when I found out I’d need to have six months of it, I about laughed in my doctor’s face. I’m already exhausted from it, and it’s only been a few weeks. It’s taken everything out of me, physically, and that in addition to everything weighing me down mentally…well, it’s just a lot to handle.
“Yes, and I have no life. Stuck in this cycle of bullshit.”
“What about digging out your lyric book? You’re so talented, don’t let it go to waste. You and your friends used to sit around for hours running through lyrics. Call them.”
It’s different now. Those are things I enjoyed doing with Faith by my side. I was motivated, and now I feel like I have nothing—no drive, no motivation, no inspiration.Shewas my inspiration. Life was better when she was in it. Now she’s gone, and I’m dealing with these damn injuries. The mental strain is too much. That’s why I started writing letters to Faith, even though she will probably never read them. I just need to let out all the thoughts and regrets bouncing around in my head.
“I’ve been writing letters to Faith,” I say, anxiously awaiting my sister’s response. I’m not sure how she’ll take it.
“Oh, Jude. Why don’t you go see her?” she asks, shaking her head at me.
I want to say,I’m a chickenshit. But I stick with the simple answer.
“She doesn’t want to see me. If she did, one of us would have heard from her. But she distanced herself from all of us. When was the last time you saw her?”
“Christmas. Maybe she thinks you don’t want to see or hear from her? It’s logical. You broke up with her, Jude. Take a chance and just do it.”
Even with my sister’s encouragement, I still can’t bring myself to reach out. I’ll stick with writing my letters. There’s a large stack sitting on my desk. When I sit down to write them, my body remembers her every touch, her words, and her love. It’s the last thread of connection I have to her.
A frustrated sigh comes out of my mouth. “Nah, I’m not ready. I’m not sure if I ever will be.”
I swipe Faith’s ring from the table and twirl it around my finger. I can’t help but think about when I first slid it out of my pocket and gave it to her. Her eyes lit up, and she jumped into my arms.
Ugh. Here I go, lost in my thoughts, again.
I just want to stay in that moment forever. We were so happy, and I ruined it.
I’m shocked back to the present when my sister says, “It’s your decision, but you need to stop torturing yourself.” She points to the ring. “Put it away.”
I ignore her, keeping the ring in the palm of my hand.
“Just promise me you’ll let me know if I can help, okay?” Eve says, brushing her hand lightly against my arm.
There might be one thing she can do…
