FAITH
Swimming away from Jude felt like tearing myself apart, because every moment with him ignites something deep within me. The connection and sparks between us are unmistakable, almost as if they defy reality. How is this happening to me now, after all these years? He left, and here we are, talking again. What am I doing? The whole reason for this excursion was to escape, find peace, and to avoid him on the resort. But clearly, my plan has backfired spectacularly. I should just abandon it entirely, but I can't help clinging to the hope it might still work. I need a new plan—immediately—but I can't decide what that should be.
All my coping mechanisms have disappeared, and I’m left swimming in the ocean alone. Physically and metaphorically. How did this happen? He wore my resistance down with his carefree attitude and easy conversation. I feel like I've fallen prey to him—his presence. My walls are up, but they were being dismantled the longer he sat and talked with me.
It’s like my body is betraying me. I know I should be avoiding him—at least my mind knows. My body is another story.
The minute he took his shirt off to go into the ocean, it was game over. Now I’m catching myself staring at where he’sswimming around. I’m trying to catch a glimpse of his flexed biceps that have deep grooves and those stunning tattoos. Thinking about them is making my breathing shallow and naughty thoughts float through my mind.
Focus!
I need to enjoy the moment. The crystal-clear water, the vibrantly colored fish of all sizes, and wait, is that…no, it can’t be a…shark. I scream and swim where everyone else is gathered to get away from what I thought I saw.
Everyone is looking at me, and thankfully I have a mask and snorkel on because my cheeks are so hot. I cover my face and take deep breaths to calm myself. I got all worked up for no reason; there’s no shark. It’s just a fish that looks like one. Anyone would have mistaken it as a baby shark, right?
Jude swims over to me and says, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah…I thought I saw a shark.”
I already know what he’s going to say. I was thinking about it as I swam over. He’s thinking about that time we went to the beach…I bet you any money he’s about to bring it up.
“Seriously, you okay?”
“I am.” I giggle and slide under the water. By the time I pop back up, I can hear him talking.
He starts to laugh. “Shark, huh? Seems like a familiar story from when we were at the beach in Gloucester.”
“Are you really going to bring that up?” I’m hoping he will let it go, but if he’s anything like the Jude I knew, that's not possible.
Here we go.
“It’s a great story,” he says as he smirks.
We drove to our favorite beach in Gloucester, Good Harbor. I saw that Cape Cod had a shark warning, and some of thebeaches were closed. I'm pretty sure that got into my head when we were body surfing. There was a glimpse of a shark fin. I ran out of the water so fast I tripped on the sand. Thankfully, I didn’t fall, but it was a close call. I was convinced it was a shark, but after watching the water for what felt like hours, I realized it was my overactive imagination. There weren’t any sharks in the water.
“It’s so embarrassing, Jude.”
He comes a little closer to me. “It was funny then and it sure is funny now,” he says as he continues to laugh.
I smack his shoulder. “Knock it off! Stop laughing.” His laugh is contagious, and it’s funny. I can’t help myself, so I laugh, too.
“After the whole shark sighting, we did end up at that cute little restaurant on the water in Rockport. I think that was the best lobster dinner I’ve had to date.”
“The deck seating was so nice, and the sun was just starting to set. Oh, it was gorgeous. The sun was eye level, and streaks of pink and blue scattered the sky. It was like a cotton candy sky.” I close my eyes, remembering that night with Jude. It was one of the most romantic dinners together.
When my eyes open, Jude is treading water a little too close to me. These masks are keeping a nice barrier between us. I can see his eyes, and they are gazing at me with so much intensity…I have to look away.
“Now that the shark scare is over…” I say as I pop my head back under water, avoiding the awkward moment.
What is going on with my body? I don’t know if I can keep from throwing myself at him. It’s too comfortable. My body aches for him in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time. How is this possible? My body and mind better get on the same page. There’s no way in hell I’m getting caught up in my feelings forJude. It’s hard when he is right in front of me, taunting me with his toned biceps and chest full of tattoos, the need for him is out of control.
GET. IT. TOGETHER.
Oh, my god! Why are my nipples tightening with the thought of Jude touching me?
There’s no way I’m making it through this excursion if I can’t get my head out of the gutter. There are fish under me, distract yourself. One fish, two fish, okay, now we’re getting somewhere. My thoughts are quieting, and my body is less tense. There’s a puffer fish that’s so close I could touch it. At this very moment, I take a minute and observe the fish in their natural habitat. It's fascinating to see the different fish swimming amongst each other.
I pop back out of the water and find Jude waiting for me to finish. “It’s really beautiful to watch.”
