I catch a glimpse of her smile from across the restaurant. She stands to hug her friend, and I’m able to get a full view of her in a gorgeous dress. It’s sleeveless, and I can see the definition of her arms—that’s hot. The waves in her hair are flowing around her as she laughs at something one of her friends says. A rush of excitement surges through my body, feeling like a bolt of lightning that’s electrifying my nerves. I can imagine myself being there with her, close to her, holding her like I used to do when we dated.
Memories with Faith swirl in my mind, and I can’t get them to stop no matter what I do. I chuckle to myself as the memory of when I asked her to homecoming resurfaces…
I gawk at her as she helps cash out the students in line. I can’t help but be completely mesmerized by her. The longer I wait, the sweatier my hands get. Even rubbing my palms against my jeans is no use. Despite it all, I know I need to act. I really hope she doesn’t reject me in front of all of these kids—that would be so embarrassing.
At the last minute, I nearly chicken out, but something urges me forward. I set the pack of gum down so she can ring me up, and stuttering over every single word, I ask, “Will you go to homecoming with me?”
She looks up at me, and her mouth opens and closes, like she’s surprised—but then it happens. She smiles. “Yes. Of course I’ll go with you,” she says. My entire body buzzes as we make plans to talk later about logistics. I can’t believe she said yes. I can’t believe I’m going to homecoming with her.
As I think back to that moment, it’s like I’m floating on air all over again. That smile she gave me…it still gets me after all these years. It’s the same one on her face tonight. She’s so happy—and all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. My mind wanders once again, but this time to the life she deserves…without me.
Fuck. It feels like a knife is twisting in my heart. Of course I want her to be happy. That’s never changed. But I miss her more than I could ever express in words.
The knot in my stomach tightens the longer I stare at her. Images of our time together flash through my mind when I close my eyes.Faith with my football letterman jacket on. Cheering from the stands in her cute pom pom hat. Her jumping up and cheering when I scored. My eyes seeking her out in every single crowd we played in front of…
Our memories play on repeat, but I force my eyes open once more. I’m thankful she hasn’t noticed me. It’s been nice to see her and reminisce about our time together.
“Dude, you okay?” Max asks, slapping me on the back and pulling me from my incessant thoughts about her.
“Yeah, it’s nothing,” I say with a lump lodged in my throat
“Man, you look like you’re thousands of miles away,” Max says. He scans the restaurant, and his eyes fall on who I’mlooking at. “Now I see why. Shove that shit down and celebrate with us. Let’s eat and drink.”
An exasperated sigh escapes me. I tuck all those memories and all these feelings deep down. I’m here to have the time of our lives with our friends.
“You’re right.” I lean back in my chair with my arms crossed.
“I haven’t forgotten. We’ll figure it all out tonight,” Max announces as he eyes me with concern.
The thoughts are relentless. Faith was the center of my world. She was my constant, and the realization of having lived without her for so long is baffling. I find myself aching to know how she's doing. Maybe that would finally allow me to forgive myself for what I did before leaving for Utah. I can't see myself breaking free from this emotional bind. A part of me is still in love with her, and that makes everything so much more complicated.
Regret is a hard thing to live with. Of all the things I’ve accomplished in life, they haven't filled the void that was left when I broke up with her and moved to Utah. It was totally 100% on me, but I’m still upset about it. I can’t believe I didn’t talk to her when I got back from Utah. In fact, I did nothing.
Nothing.
I did absolutely nothing.
Maybe it was my pride. Maybe I felt so bad I couldn’t face her. Maybe it was the injury. All I know is it was the perfect shit storm that kept me from seeking her out and apologizing for everything that went wrong. Things might be different if I had the balls to do something about it.
I decide to focus on the present to avoid thinking about her. After dinner, Max and I will go to the tiki bar to hash this shit out.
ELEVEN
FAITH
“I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you guys…” Addison says with a serious tone. I’m concerned about what she has to tell us; her face gives away nothing. She has a good poker face.
As Kendall whips her head around, she says, “Girl, you can’t keep us hanging. What is it?”
“There’s this new guy at work. He seems really sweet and he’s cute.” Addison drops a bomb like that and nonchalantly goes back to what she was doing, sipping her drink.
“That’s it?” Lane inquires as she rests her chin on her hand and leans forward.
“Ok fine. He’s helped me with a few work projects, and I caught him staring a couple times. It was funny, he got flustered and turned a bit red. But that’s it. He’s an intern and still in college. We’re just friends.”
“Then why don’t you ask him? Keep it lowkey, and grab a coffee or something,” Kendall says as she raises her eyebrows.
“I keep thinking about him a lot, but a workplace romance with an intern and he’s much younger. He works in the marketing department. Eh, I'm not sure I’m up for that kind of drama.”
