As I make my way to the leave lobby, I’m compelled to finally write in my journal. I won’t make it the rest of the day without putting my thoughts down on paper. It’s my go-to coping mechanism. In no time, I’m standing at my hotel door. Opening it up, I walk in and throw my bag on the floor and fling myself on the bed. I lie there, staring up at the ceiling and trying to collect my thoughts. I reluctantly roll off the bed, snag my journal and pen, and sit in the chair with my feet on the ottoman. A deep breath exhales out of me as I open it up to a new page and start writing:
I think I’m in shock that, after almost twelve years, my ex is in Aruba. It felt good to be in his arms this morning—even though it was only because I ran into him. It transported me back to when we were together and everything was right in the world. His love was right for me.
Then there’s Klara, his fiancée; how can I even be sad or hurt by this? Oh yeah, it’s because I still love him, and no one can live up to that love. What a way to live life—comparing every man to Jude! What is wrong with me? Maybe now I can move on and have closure. There’s no chance for us to ever get back together again. He’s getting married.
I suddenly remember the box in my closet that’s full of notes he wrote me and pictures of us. I may have given back the claddagh promise ring when Jude broke up with me, but I still have so many other memories.
I haven't felt deep, unconditional love for anyone else.
I’m all alone, and the sadness sinks into my body.
I’m feeling like I will never get over him, and now he is here…
How can I avoid him? My heart can’t take any more pieces breaking off, and that’s exactly what happened when he touched my face. Another little piece of my heart broke off for what we can’t have together. He found his person, and I’m over here with no one to call, hang out with, love…
I’m feeling hurt all over again. Seeing him brings back all those feelings.
Jude was my everything
My love.
My soul.
My friend.
Tomorrow will be better. I won’t be at the resort. It will give me some perspective. Then I’ll just avoid him the rest of the time that I’m here. What else can I do?
Tears flow from my eyes. I reach over to the table and grab a tissue to wipe the tears off my face and neck. They don’t seemto want to stop. My body shakes as I cry uncontrollably. I crawl to the bed, pulling the soft blankets around me and burying my face deep into the pillows.
Crying is good therapy.
Flickering my eyes open, I realize I must have cried myself to sleep. The fog dissipates as I gain my bearings. I’m in the hotel bed. What time is it? I pull my phone to look at the time. Oh, it’s only been an hour since I left my friends.
I start a group text to the girls.
Faith:
Reservations made. I’m in my room and will be back soon. I needed some alone time after running into Jude. Yes, I’ll fill you guys in later ;)
All that crying shed some of the pent-up emotions, but it left me feeling exhausted. Listening to my body, I go lie back down and rest.
EIGHT
JUDE
After an afternoon of hanging out at the beach, enjoying the water, and playing a game of football, we all make our way back to the dedicated wedding party wing. The resort boasts two of these spectacular wings that are designed for those who choose to celebrate their destination wedding here. Each wing features eight luxurious suites with additional rooms available for larger parties. The suites are elegantly arranged around a courtyard, which has a shimmering pool in the middle. Every suite has a private patio, offering either a breathtaking view of the ocean or it overlooks the courtyard and pool.
Our group is loud and excited. We’ve known each other for years, and when we all get together it’s like one big party. It just so happens to be a celebration of marriage this week that our energy is overflowing. Some hit the pool, but others head to their suites. For me, my skin feels tight from all the salt water and sand that covers my body from head to toe.
“I’m going to grab a quick shower and meet you guys in a few,” I yell to Max and the crew.
As I shut the door behind me, I release a heavy sigh, my thoughts drifting to Faith on the beach and the smell of her, it was vanilla mixed with coconut. The smell, the look, theelectricity between us…I had to hold myself together. Her beauty is undeniable, and the way she responded when I gently moved her hair from her face—there was something electric in that moment. She’s still gorgeous and has curves for days. I’d love to roam my hands over every inch of her body. I adjust myself as I try to get the image of her in that tiny bikini out of my head.
I shake my head to scatter my thoughts. A shower is much needed after all the fun on the beach. My suitcase is still packed, I never unpack when I’m in hotel rooms unless something needs to be hung up, otherwise it all stays in my suitcase. I rummage around for clothes to change into and take out a white tee and black shorts and stride to the bathroom.
The shower sprays extra hot water, and as I step in, it feels good on my muscles. I work the soap into a rich lather and scrub away the gritty salt and sand clinging to my skin from the day. I shampoo and condition my hair to keep it silky and smooth. I rinse off my body, step out of the shower and reach for the towel I had hung on the rack yesterday, but it's not there. With a slight sigh, I grab a fresh towel from the shelf, wrapping it around me as I pat myself dry.
Once I’m dressed for dinner, an unexpected urge hits me—a desire to write. This inspiration catches me off guard, as it's been ages since I last penned anything creative. Inside my laptop bag is a trusty notebook, reserved precisely for these moments. I make my way out to the patio, the breeze brushes over my face and the vast ocean in front of me. Sliding into the chair, I flip open the notebook, and, like a river, the words begin to flow effortlessly onto the page.
