I held my breath, frozen in place as the undergrowth parted. A shape emerged, low to the ground, moving with jerky motions, like something out of a horror movie. My phone slipped out of my sweat-slicked palm, the flashlight beam bouncing wildly on the ground.
“Stay back!” I brandished my Louis Vuitton like a shield.
The shape made a strange, gurgling sound that sent a chill up my spine, then emerged from the trees.
It was a bird.
A very strange bird.
A very ugly bird.
About the size of a chicken, but with mottled brown and white feathers, it had a distinctive white breast and what looked like weird spiky feathers standing up on its head. Itsyellow eyes fixed on me with equal parts confusion and judgment.
“What the hell?”
The creature strutted across the path with the confidence of a runway model, its head bobbing forward and backward with every step. It made that bizarre gurgling sound again, followed by a series of pops like someone slowly opening bottles of champagne.
“Nice chicken,” I said, still clutching my suitcase in front of me. “Please don’t be a rabid chicken.”
The bird paid me no attention, continuing its strange dance, inflating what I now noticed were bizarre yellowish sacs on either side of its neck. It was simultaneously the most ridiculous and the most terrifying thing I’d seen all day, which, given my encounter with Noah and Yeti, was saying a lot.
After what felt like an eternity of this bizarre mating dance, which may or may not have been directed at me, the creature suddenly vanished back into the underbrush, leaving me alone on the path, heart still pounding.
“Noah probably planned this,” I muttered, picking my phone off the ground and shining it all around me. Once I was sure the bird was gone, I continued my trek toward the LuxeLife main lobby, looking over my shoulder just in case. “Sent his demon bird friend to finish me off.”
Dragging both my body and my luggage up the trail, I eventually saw lights through the trees. Buoyed by newfound hope, I pushed forward, quickening my pace despite my battered legs, calves, and feet.
The dirt-packed trail emerged onto a wide paved driveway, and I finally got my first look at the real Aster Park Mountain Resort & Spa. The grand log-and-stone structure rose from the landscape like a mirage, its windows gleaming from the interiorlights. A massive stone chimney pierced the sky, wisps of smoke curling into the crisp mountain air.
Just as I took my first step toward civilization, my phone vibrated so violently in my pocket my entire body nearly bounced back down the mountain.
“Guess I got service.” The screen lit up with notifications, hours’ worth of missed messages coming all at once.
Marcus Wiles:
Your driver will be waiting when you land
Look for the name sign that says, Samantha
Enjoy the champagne and caviar!
Victoria Sterling:
Try the mountain berry welcome cocktail when you arrive
And the black truffle honey in the welcome basket
And the custom Alpine Meadow bath salts waiting in your suite They’re hand made by an aromatherapist from Sweden
Parker:
TSA vibrator story is CRUSHING IT. 22k shares in 2 hrs
Stranded LAX saga is gold! for Sam’s is trending
Engagement rate +47%. Keep posting EVERYTHING
I didn’t remember posting that many updates, but it appeared my misfortune resonated with my followers. At least something good was coming from my suffering. Then another wave of messages flooded my screen.
