“What, kill me?” I say.
She slaps me – so hard that it stings the entire left side of my face, and even makes my head throb in pain.
“Fuck you,” she spits out.
“Sorry.” I frown. “That was immature of me.”
“You think?” She glares at me. “Do you have any idea what that confession just did to me?” She swallows and wipes a hand over her cheeks.
I lean in and touch my forehead to hers. “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’m really,reallysorry.”
She tries to shove me away, but I grab her hands and kiss her knuckles to let her know that I really do feel guilty for my choice of words.
And for the things I did in the past.
“I just…I wanted you to know that when I was at my lowest, it wasAmandawho pulled me out of it,” I tell her. “It was her, Nia, who snapped me from it and made me see that I was enough; that it wasmewho the people wanted, and not some superficial version I was trying to create.” I move back and wipe the fresh tears that have fallen down her face. “Amanda may be a difficult person to have an interaction with, but she does have a heart. She cares and understands. I just want you and her to give each other a chance, that’s all.”
“I could have lost you,” Nia breathes with a look of horror on her face, then bunches her jaw when it trembles. “I could have lost you and I would have never even known.” She closes her eyes. “I would have lived my entire fucking life not knowing what happened to you. Our past would have been the only thing – the onlymemory– I’d have of you, all because I–”
“Nia.”
“Shut up.” She pulls me to her and kisses me once, twice, and then a third time. “God, I could have lost you,” she says again, then kisses me so hard I lose my ability to breathe for a moment.
“Baby…” I can taste tears on her lips as I kiss her back.
“If you ever think about doing something like that again, I’m going to kick your ass so fucking hard, Madden,” she warns.
I bite the inside of my cheek. “And I promise that I’ll let you.”
She kisses me one more time. “I’m so happy you’re here with me.” She places a hand on my chest. “I’m so glad you had Amanda with you when you needed a solid support system.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “Mom and Dad were completely broken when they found out, but they were there for me anyway – no questions or hesitation whatsoever. They are part of the reason I recovered so soon. They may not have shown, but I know how much my stupidity really affected them. Took them a little over a year to relax around me and not fuss over me like I was a wayward kid or something.”
Nia bends and presses her lips over my heart. “I’m genuinely very glad you have them, but I wish I was there for you then. I wish I was there to tell you thatyouare what’s important – to me, and to those who care about you.”
“You’ve always been there, Nia,” I say, then show her my tattoo. “I’d trace your name day and night while in the hospital. I kept thinking of what you must be up to, of how I could reach out to you, but I couldn’t find a way to do it. I tried your old number, but it wasn’t active. I tried looking you up on social media, but I couldn’t find you anywhere. And, when I got discharged, I lost the little bravado I’d gathered to come here and see you myself.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I wasn’t exactly…nice to you during our last encounter all those years ago, so I don’t blame you.”
“It’s not that,” I assure her. “I guess I bailed on it because when I got out of the hospital, I realized that I didn’t want you to know what I’d become in my haste of wanting to live up to others’ expectations. I didn’t want to, you know, disappoint you.”
“You made a mistake, Cass, but you fixed it before it was too late.”
“Sure, but I hated the guy I was during those few weeks,” I concede.
“I’m sure that was just your mind’s way of coping with the whole thing. Hate can be hurtful, but if it’s temporary, it can help heal you.” She rubs my arms. “I’m proud of you, and of all that you’ve achieved and lived through. I really am.” She smiles openly. “Also, you wouldn’t have disappointed me if you’d decided to come here and see me, just like you haven’t disappointed menow. If anything, I’m honored that you chose to share something so sensitive with me, that you trusted me with it.”
My throat tightens at her words; at the honesty on her face. “Thank you. It really means a lot to me. And it was pretty obvious for me to share this with you. I’m just sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”
“Hey, now; don’t do that.” She squeezes my hands. “Believe me when I say I get it. I really do.”
“I know you do.” I smile, then jerk my head towards the SUV that I parked just outside the field. “So, you ready for the impending dinner, then?” I ask.
Nia purses her lips in contemplation, then clicks her tongue before saying, “You know what? I think I am.”
13. Nia
Iwipe my palms over my jean-clad thighs and glance to my left. Cass is still busy browsing the menu booklet, whereas I – well, I’m close to choking on the suffocating air around us.
