Peoplealwayssaytopicture the crowd naked if you're nervous on stage. Honestly, the only person I ever want to see undressed is Hayvin. But the last thing I need right now is to get aroused up here, exposed, and desperate.
The emcee hands me the microphone, and I exhale. “I don’t really know what I’m doing. This is all new to me—opening up and letting everyone see inside. Maybe a story will help. It’ll explain why I’m here, why I’m about to play an instrument I don’t know and sing something I wrote that may not make sense to anyone else.” My eyes find Hayvin in the crowd. “Then again, not much made sense in my life until my little songbird came into it.”
I set the mic in its stand and step back, my hand trembling as I reach for the guitar. Sitting down, I rest it across my lap and fumble with the mic stand. My mouth is so dry that my tongue feels glued in place. I spot a bottle of water on the stool beside me and snatch it up like a lifeline.
Damn, this is the storm Hayvin faces all the time. Standing here now, I finally feel just a fraction of her anxiety—the gut-churning uncertainty—and the guilt tightens my chest. I left her to weather it alone. How could I have been so blind?
After gulping the water, I exhale sharply, grimacing as the mic amplifies my nerves. “So, I’ll apologize now. I’m not a musician. Honestly, I’d never held an instrument before preparing for tonight. This is bound to be a mess. But it matters to someone I love, so I’m here, trying to speak her language.”
I search for Hayvin in the crowd again. She needs to know that, even in a room crammed with strangers, she's the only one I see. I made her believe she was invisible to me, and that's her deepest fear. Tonight, more than anything, I need her to leave knowing she’s the only one who matters.
“I wish I could say I knew when I fell in love with you, Hayvin, but I can’t. I was too busy running from that feeling to let myself accept it. If I denied how you made me feel, you couldn’t destroy me. In protecting myself, I destroyed you instead. I made you feel like you were only my just because. You’re so much more, but I’ve been terrible at showing it. If I had to name the moment I fell for you, maybe it was the first time you sighed when I kissed your forehead. Or when you laughed so hard at something Charlie said that you snorted, shocked, and covered your face. Or when you spotted a struggling mom with three kids outside, one melting down while the mom looked frazzled. Instead of letting it stop you, you crouched beside the little girl, talking and singing with her until she smiled. There were countless moments I fell for you, too many to choose just one.”
She’s tucked away in the shadows, but her eyes are fixed on me. I wish I could read her thoughts, just for a moment.
I clear my throat and cradle the guitar. “Two weeks ago, I couldn’t tell a C chord from a G. Hell, I probably still can’t.” Laughter ripples through the room, and I manage a small smileas I line up my fingers. My eyes find Hayvin again. “This isn’t perfect. It’s rough, unfinished, but it’s me. It’s the most honest version of myself I can offer. I’m not the man I want to be yet, but I’m trying. I’m finally facing the parts of me I tried to ignore. I don’t know if I’ll ever deserve you, Hayvin, but I’ll keep fighting to become someone you can be proud of. For both of us.”
After checking the placement of my fingers one last time, I close my eyes and strum the first chord.
I don’t lose myself in the music the way Hayvin does, but I let myself feel it.
When I open my mouth and release the first shaky note, the bar falls silent.
You are bright lights and big dreams
In a room full of inconsequential beings.
You are sunflowers and daisies,
Handing out love and praise.
I’m unworthy,
Full of lies.
I drown in your quiet cries.
I’m remorseful,
Full of regret.
I walk with restless steps.
How could you ever be my just because,
When you’ve always been…
The beat that soothes my soul.
The harrowed truth within my fallacious lies.
The wild in my heart.
The freedom in my love.
As the final note fades, I open my eyes to a sea of stunned faces. My skin tingles, and I can’t seem to meet anyone’s gaze for more than a heartbeat.
I can’t look at Hayvin yet. Terror grips me. What if I see disappointment? But I ache to know if she understands, if she truly knows that I’ve alwaysseenher.
