I miss getting these. I’m sorry I made this no longer fun for you.
I wipe away tears and keep reading. Every page is a revelation, the last thing I ever expected from Alek. It shatters everything I thought I knew about him, about us. Part of me clings to anger, but the larger part aches in ways I can scarcely untangle.
Yet with every turn of the page, my anger slips further from my grasp.
I discover photos of myself I never knew existed, snapshots of us I never realized were taken, and the way he looks at me in them. Was I blind to it, or did he only let his guard down for the camera to catch?
Three years of memories unfurl before me as I leaf through the scrapbook’s pages.
For the first time in ages, I truly see him—the man he kept hidden behind his walls. I always believed Alek didn’t love me, but as I follow the timeline of our memories, I watch him fall for me, page by page.
At the end of the scrapbook, there’s another note.
Hayvin Marie,
I’ve always wished that you could see yourself through my eyes. This was the only way for me to let you do that. There are so many things that I love about you. Big things and little things. There are a million reasons, and I’ll never be able to recite them all to you. It wasn’t love at first sight. I fell in love with you slowly as you revealed each beautiful piece of yourself. You scared me, Hayvin. Loving you and letting you love me opened me up to a world of hurt.
Growing up, anytime I loved someone or anytime someone loved me, they left. All I knew about love was pain, abandonment, and betrayal. You were the first person to love without condition or restraint. You were the first person who didn’t leave me, even when I was so goddamn hard to love. Not until I didn’t give you a choice. Everyone has a breaking point, and you found yours. I’m sosorry that I ever let you get there. I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you or your love, and I’m sorry that I ever took you and your love for granted.
I messed up in so many ways with you, and I hope to fuck I have a chance to fix it. You deserve everything beautiful in this world, Hayvin. You deserve a man who can love you without being scared of it. I’m working on becoming that man, not just for you, but for myself. You make me want to be a better man.
You told me to prove it, and I want to thank you for letting me do so.
I hope you’re ready for me, Hayvin Marie. I’m coming for you hard, baby girl.
All my love and forever yours,
Alek
What can you possibly do when the man who shattered your heart tries to mend it, piece by piece, with every gift and every gesture?
You fucking cry, all right.
And that’s what I do.
For half an hour, I revisit every page, letting my tears spill freely, as if my soul itself is weeping.
They’re tears of heartbreak and sorrow, but also of release—a cleansing I didn’t know I needed.
When I climb into bed and check my phone, I find a message from Alek waiting for me.
ALEK
The way humming whatever tune you’re working up in your head is the same as breathing to you…I fell in love with that. I’d like to request that you listen to ‘You Are So Beautiful’ by Tommee Profitt ft. Brooke. I really think you’ll like the arrangement. Goodnight, baby girl. I love you.
I fall back against my pillow with a sigh, a tiny smile flirting along my lips. I hold my phone to my chest and close my eyes as if I were a teenager all over again.
That’s what these butterflies in my stomach feel like.
I am terrified he’ll let me down once more, but I can’t keep running forever. I just pray that if he catches me this time, he won’t let me crash to the ground again.
Before I fall asleep, I send him a message of acknowledgement.
ME
I want to fall in love with the butterflies you give me again.
There's No Music
