“God. Just stop. Stop with all the apologies, all the platitudes, all the excuses. They’re just words, Alek. It was never your words that broke me. It was your actions. You can scream to the universe that you love me, that I’m your first and only choice, that you’re sorry, and all that other bullshit. If your actions never match up, how the hell would your words have any impact?”
“Okay. So, let me show you. Let my actions from here on out speak for me. Let them be the words you need to hear.”
There’s a raw, pleading note in his voice I’ve never heard before, and it twists something deep inside my chest.
“Start over with me. Give me six months to make you fall in love with me again. Fall in love with the man I’m becoming, not the man I was.”
I close my eyes and knock my head lightly into the wall. “I gave you three years of my life, Alek. You’re asking me to give you six more months of it? Six months without a guaranteed happy ending?”
“I swear, baby girl. I fucking swear I won’t let you down again.”
Behind my closed eyes, every disappointment circles back, each memory tearing at my heart like hungry vultures feasting on what’s left.
“I’m sorry.” A sob clogs my throat. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
He coughs, and I’m pretty sure it sounds water-logged, as if he’s been crying, but I know that’s just another lie I tell myself. “I’m not giving up, Hayvin. I didn’t fight for us when you needed me to. And I don’t give a fuck if it’s too late now. I’ll never stop showing you what I should have shown you from the start. That you’re it for me. That you’re the only one I’ve ever seen. You’re my end game, Hayvin Marie. You’re the one I’m going to my grave loving. I love you, baby girl. Congrats on the trophy.”
This conversation leaves me stranded in uncertainty, unable to tell if speaking my truth was a mistake or a mercy.
Emotions coil around my ankles, dragging me down with a merciless grip.
I am sinking fast, desperate for a breath that never comes.
All I can do is hope that when I finally break the surface, air will fill my lungs again.
Going Through The Emotions
Hayvin
EachtimeIpassthe flowers on my counter, my lip curls in disgust and I have to resist the urge to hurl them straight into the trash.
My mind simmers like a pressure cooker, emotions rattling the lid, threatening to explode at any moment.
I keep replaying my conversation with Alek. He fired back answers so quickly, when I expected hesitation or silence. His certainty caught me off guard, and these days, he rarely surprises me.
I felt smug, convinced he knew nothing about me because he simply didn’t care. That was my truth, because he’d never bothered to prove otherwise.
Our relationship had its bright spots. So often, my heart and mind convinced me he cared. Now, after our talk, I wonder if they were urging me to look past the mask Alek always wore.
Why, though?
Why the pretense?
Why put on a front with someone you’re in a serious relationship with? Someone you’ve made promises to? Someone who was upfront about what they wanted?
That’s the hardest part for me to choke down in all of this.
I never lied to Alek about what I was looking for. I wanted it all, and I wanted it with him. After I told him, he had the chance to walk away. Alek knew that even though hecouldgive me all that I wanted, hewouldn’tdo it.
And that…
That makes me angry.
Why waste my time so completely?
Why make me feel as if he didn’t care?
It seems so…selfish to me.
