“Bullshit,” Charlie calls. “You need to think long and hard, Alek. Because she did give you something, and until you can admit to that out loud, then you’re never going to get anywhere in your growth.”
I go silent, eyes fixed on my plate of fries, her words echoing in my head. The answer isn’t hard. It’s been the same for years.
“She gave me safety,” I admit quietly.
“Safety from what?” Charlie asks.
“From love.”
“Can you explain?”
“I’ll try. I don’t view love the same way as most people do. All it’s ever been to me is betrayal. My parents, David and Jerica’s parents.” I peer over at them with a gentle, sad smile. “You two. I’ve never really known the good sides of it.”
Sadness pools in both their eyes, but only Charlie lets her tears fall. She looks at me like I’m shattering her heart, and the weight of it makes me squirm.
Charlie reaches over and places her hand on top of mine. “Alek, not all love betrays, but all love will come with pain. It’s the inevitable part of life.” She glances over at Keaton with an expression so loving, so beautiful, it has my breath stuttering in my lungs. “The secret is knowing that. It’s taking that pain and letting it mold you. Letting it create something beautiful from the chaos. Love is pain, but it’s also fucking life, Alek. You need to decide if you’re going to run from it the rest of your life, or if you’re going to embrace it wholly and create something so damn exquisite that it follows you into the afterlife.”
I glance between her and Keaton, not wanting to ask, but needing to know. “Do you regret it? Giving him another chance?”
Keaton stills in his seat, hungry for her answer too.
“No. No, I don’t. It was my decision, you know? I got the choice of how my life was going to go and the risks I was going to take. We could die tomorrow, Alek. Hell, we could die minutes from now. I want to go out knowing that I gave it hell. That my time spent here was happy. That it was worth something. I always hear people saying the strength after being cheated on comes from leaving them, and I believe that. But there’s also strength in staying. There’s strength in waking up every morningknowing that it could be a day full of triggers, but refusing to let it beat you. At the end of the day, my choice to grace him with another chance is mine.I’mthe one who’s taking the risk.I’mthe one who walks through that hell when I have bad days. Not anyone else.Me. So, people can shame me, they can judge a life that they’re not a part of, they can give their unwanted opinions. The only ones who ever have to be okay with my decision are me, myself, and fucking I.”
As soon as the last word is out of her mouth, Keaton wraps his hand around the back of her neck and pulls her to him. The kiss he gives her is full of sorrow, apologies, remorse, and so much fucking love that my damn eyes fill with tears of happiness.
“Do you believe Hayvin will give me another chance? Or should give me another chance?” I ask Charlie when Keaton lets her up for air.
“I don’t know. That’s not something anyone other than Hayvin can answer. You have three years to make up for, Alek. Hayvin loved you the entire time while you continuously ran from the emotion. You need to make her fall in love with you all over again if she ever gives you the chance to. You have to be completely open and always honest. You have to never put anyone before Hayvin again. Never, Alek. Because making her feel like a second choice is going to have those same feelings colliding inside her all over again.”
We all get quiet, each of us lost in thoughts that are probably not good for us.
There’s a mountain of work ahead of me. I know I should talk to a professional, but the thought of opening up to a stranger feels like a thousand needles pricking my skin. Maybe those phone appointments would be easier. At least then I wouldn’t have to look someone in the eye every time I tried to bare my soul.
If I want to get this right, to untangle the way I think and stop running from an emotion I shouldn’t fear, I’ll need help from someone who can navigate the maze inside my head.
There’s one thing I want to know before I head out.
Glancing over at them, I clear my throat to grab their attention. “How are you all? The truth. No sugar-coated bullshit.”
Charlie smiles at me, and I know her well enough to know it’s a real one. She reaches over, entwining her fingers with Keaton’s. They give each other a soft look before turning back to me.
“We’re in a really good place now. It’s not always perfect, but it’s good, you know? He never stops making it up to me and showing me the man he is now. It’s all I could ask for. We all have pasts, Alek. Some of us were good people in them, some of us weren’t. That doesn't mean we should always hold them against us. There are only a few things in this life that we shouldn't and couldn't redeem. Humans only evolve when we give them the chance. Keaton chose to learn from what he did. He chose to grow from it and become a better person. A safer person. Isn’t that all we strive for? To be better than we were yesterday?”
Does Hayvin have those same thoughts? Can she see me like that?
I’ve never really thought about it like that, but maybe I should. I wasn’t a good person for the three years that I was with Hayvin. But I can learn from that. I can choose to grow from it.
I can be better today than I was yesterday, and I can grow even more tomorrow.
A Dream Come True
Hayvin
Iflingthewell-knownenvelope onto the counter and dig through the rest of the mail. Junk, bills, even more junk. I sort, tear open, scrawl reminders on the calendar, and launch the useless flyers into the trash.
I stare down the invitation, weighing whether to break its seal. Of course I’ll go to the award show. After the band bought my song, skipping would be unthinkably rude.
Still, the thought of going alone aches. It’s hard to do this without the man I once loved.
