The more I think about it, the more I understand that I did know.
We always manage to justify the unjustifiable.
At least in our own minds.
I was so wrapped up in self-preservation that I missed the person right in front of me. The one loving me, choosing me, while I kept turning away.
Except in my head.
In my head, I was loving her, picking her, and choosing her.
But even in there, I was lying to myself.
The only person I was choosing was me.
I tried to dodge love’s grip but still keep Hayvin close. It was selfish as hell, especially since she was always honest with me.
I never shut the door on a future with her. But the closer we grew, the more fear tightened its grip, squeezing the breath from my lungs.
It felt like I couldn’t breathe until I built a wall between us. The relief was fleeting, and it only pushed her further away.
Now the distance between us feels like a canyon I might never cross.
There’s only one person, outside of Hayvin or Everleigh, who could help me understand where her head is at. Someone who has sort of been where Hayvin is right now. If she didn’t already know what was going on between Hayvin and I, there’d be noway I’d go to her for advice. It wouldn’t be appropriate. But since she does, I’m hoping she can unstick my head from my ass and fucking spell it out for me even more than she and Keaton already have.
I lift my head and reach for my phone. Hayvin’s face lights up my screen, bittersweet and beautiful, and I can’t help but smile.
It’s the one photo I never want to lose. I’m ridiculously grateful my pictures backed up to the cloud when I shattered my damn phone.
This photo lays her feelings bare. It was taken before I started breaking her heart, back when the look in her eyes terrified me. The wildest part is, that’s the look I wanted etched into my soul.
ME
Hey. Do you think you and Keaton have time to chat?
CHARLIE
Keaton is at work. Give me a sec. Let me check in with him and see where his head is at.
ME
Thanks, Char.
A few minutes later, her reply lights up my phone.
CHARLIE
He said if you need us, we’ll be there.
ME
Thanks. Meet at Grinders,or does he want me to meet you all somewhere else?
CHARLIE
Nope. Grinders is fine. See you in a few.
I exit our chat and pull up Keaton’s number, starting a fresh conversation.
