I can’t help but giggle, my shoulders shaking at just how ridiculous I am.
Who wouldn’t be worn out after always playing second fiddle to someone else’s leading role?
"Hayvin, swear to fuck. I could neuter this man for making you feel like that." Her fingers slip a couple of times as she tries to grasp my chin, which only throws us into a fit of giggles untilshe finally gets a good hold. Then shit gets serious again, and my fuzzy brain tries to focus. "You didn't come second to anyone. You'll always be first because you always put yourself first." I shake my head, but her fingers tighten on my chin. "No. I know you put him first when y'all were together, but anytime push comes to shove, you always choose yourself."
I wrestle through the alcoholic haze as her words settle in my mind and start to seep into my soul.
"You're right," I mumble.
"Well, duh, sugar tits. I always am."
I burst into giggles and give her a playful shove, watching her collapse onto the couch with dramatic flair.
Capping the tequila, I set it down and stagger to my feet. Suddenly, blackout drunk loses its appeal. As much as I crave forgetting, I know the pain will just be waiting for me in the morning. Maybe it’s smarter to keep facing it head-on, like I always have. I never really had a choice.
With the walls and furniture as my guides, I somehow make it to the kitchen without landing on my ass. I grab two bottles of water and the cheese dip, then scoot to the cabinet, clamp a bag of chips between my teeth, and juggle everything else in my arms.
The journey back is like a drunken game of human ping-pong, bouncing from wall to furniture, but at least it keeps my mind offhimfor a minute.
"No more drinking?" Ever asks.
I shoot her a look, raising an eyebrow as if to say, Isn’t it obvious?
I drop the bag of chips onto the table just as my phone rings. The second Alek’s name flashes on my screen, my whole body locks up. My heart pounds and my lungs forget how to breathe, just like every other time his name has appeared since he left.
Ever lunges forward, snatches my phone, and slams that big red button to send him straight to voicemail. She powers it off and drops it on the table with a furious snap.
Her eyes lock with mine, and for a split second, we both seem startlingly clear-headed.
I guess that's what happens when you see the cuntmaggedon calling.
Everleigh snickers. "Cuntmaggedon?"
This time, I’m the one who collapses onto the couch with a dramatic flop. “I said that out loud.”
"Yep, and I'm so glad you did, because it's my new name for dipshit."
"Hmm. I can get behind that," I state with a sigh, grabbing the bag of chips.
Everleigh pops open the cheese dip and slides it between us while I tear into the chips. I hand her a bottle of water, then gulp down half of mine, desperate to wash away the scratchy dryness in my throat before snapping the cap shut.
For a while, it's quiet between us as we snack on the chips to help sober us up and watch those delicious vampires and hybrids that pop up on her television. My thoughts keep trying to drift to Alek and Jerica, but I'm able to shove the intrusive thoughts away by munching so harshly on a chip that it blots out the loudness of things I don't want to hear.
"Hey, Vin. What do you want? For your future, I mean."
I close my eyes as I think about her question, but there's only one important piece that comes to mind. So, I open my eyes and give her my answer. "I want to be someone's first, Everleigh. I don't want to be someone's just because. That's about the only way I can answer you right now. I'd really have loved for that to be with Alek, but he's proven repeatedly that it'll never be that between us. I gave that man my all, everything inside of me, everything I didn't think I had in me to give someone again afteryour brother, but it wasn't enough. Not for him, anyway. It didn't matter how hard or how much I loved him. I'm never going to be the one he wants that from."
Titan was my childhood sweetheart, my first for almost everything. My first crush, first kiss, first love, and my first heartbreak. We started dating at fourteen and split after nineteen, our paths pulling us apart. He dreamed of serving the country, while I just wanted a life where I didn't wake up dreading a phone call that he was gone. Titan broke both our hearts when he left, but for a while, I clung to hope. Then he told me he was applying to be a fighter pilot. That was the final straw, and this time, I was the one who ended it.
Against all odds, Titan and I stayed friends. We don't talk every day, or even every month, but sometimes he checks in just to let me know he's still breathing, like we promised. Alek has always known everything about me and Titan—there are no secrets, and nothing is left between us. Titan is my past, and that's where he stays. I can't cut him out, not when his sister is my ride or die. He'll always be around, just like Jerica is for Alek. And just like the friendship he shares with Charlie. The only difference is, I'venevergiven Alek a reason to question his place in my life.
When Alek and I first started, I was terrified to let him in. I pictured my heart shattered at my feet, but he chipped away at my walls until I let him through.
If only I had listened to my gut that night three years ago at the bar, maybe things would be different.
"He's coming home for a visit," Everleigh says quietly.
My head jerks her way with a huge wobbly smile. "Really? That's great, Ever. I bet you're excited to see him after so long."
