He nods. “But you’re not ready for that.”
“And I don’t know if I ever will be, Keaton. Youcheatedon me. But more than that, I have to live with the visuals.Every day. One minute, I’m sure they’re finally gone, and the next, they’re popping up like a fucking Jack in the Box to show me what a fool I am. Do you know what that’s like? Having to go to sleep every night, and that being the thing you see when you close your eyes? I hate it, and in those moments, I hate you, too. And here you are. I have to see you. I have to hear from you. How am I supposed to have the chance to heal properly when you’re stillfucking everywhere? My head. My heart. My damn life. How do I do that, Keaton? Because I want to do that. I want to look at you without hurting. I’d love to hear your voice without cringing. I’d love, I’d absolutely freaking love, to have one conversation with you without me being so angry. I’m tired of my emotions being all over the place because I’m not as healed as I thought I was.”
I swipe at my tears, frustration burning in my chest, and keep going.
“But more than being angry at you, I’m angry with myself because I haven’t been able to tell you I need space. Space where you don’t call, where you don’t write. Where you don’t come to my workplace. I need time when I don’t hear you, see you, or fucking think of you. You broke me, Keaton, but I keep hurting myself because I can’t bring myself to be cold and to turn my back on you when I know you’re hurting, too. But I have to, don’t I? I have to put myself first. I have to actually do what I said I was going to when I found you fucking Rihanna. I have to say no. I have to go no contact with you. I have to put myself first. I can’t think about your pain. Pain thatyoucaused us both. Because I don’t want to hate you for the rest of my life, Keaton. I didn’t just lose the person I loved when you cheated on me. I lost my best friend too, and sometimes I think that hurts the most.”
Watching our tears fall, my heart twists painfully.
“How did we get here? How did I let us get here?” he whispers brokenly.
Reaching over, I capture his hand with mine and marvel at the differences that weren’t there nine months ago. “Somewhere along the way, our love stopped being enough.” I shake my head when he opens his mouth to refute it. “No. Just stop and listen. It did, Keaton. Our love stopped being enough for you. I don’t know why, but I know that it did. Because if it didn’t, we wouldn’t be here. You’re going to run into people you’re attracted to throughout your life. We all do. Every single person.It doesn’t mean we act on it. We acknowledge it, then ignore it, and move on. The person you love, the person you promise to spend your life with, has to be enough for you towantto walk away from that attraction. Not run towards it. And no matter what you say, Keaton, you did. Every time you walked out our door to go spend time with her as “friends”, you were running towards it. There had to be a part of you that knew where it would eventually lead. You have to come to terms with that. More than that, you need to admit it, even if it’s to yourself. To do anything less would be doing the love we had a disservice. The love we had? It’s owed that. Hell,I’mowed that. I don’t know what’s going to happen when you walk out of here, but I know that I won’t be seeing you for a while. I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t want to see you. I need time to heal, Keaton. I thought the time I asked for in the beginning was enough, but it’s not.”
“I’m sorry. If you struggle to believe anything I say, please don’t struggle to believe that.” He climbs from the booth, pulling me up with him.
I stand before him, both of us blinking through tears, knowing this is the end. Our real goodbye. It should have come after he cheated, but I was too afraid to cut him out completely. I couldn’t face the truth that we were finished, that he had shattered us. Now, I am ready. Ready to heal. Ready to discover who I am without Keaton.
For real this time.
Just Coffee
Charlie
Present Day
Inevergraspedthetrue magic of cutting all ties with the one who shattered my heart until I finally did it.
Our goodbye that day felt almost as painful as the night I caught him with Rianna. We understood there were no guarantees that love would return if we found each other again. He knew my healing could mean letting him go completely. Still, Keaton showed me he wasn't going to be selfish anymore and promised to put me first, just as I was.
I’m not sure why his question sent me spiraling, but it forced me to see that just the idea of dating him still triggered something raw in me. Clearly, I had more healing to do.
It’s been six months since I’ve heard or seen Keaton. Even our mutual friends have kept us separate. He’s kept my request for no contact, and I appreciate him so much for it.
The healing I’ve accomplished has surprised me. Truthfully, it wasn’t something I expected to happen. Not to the extent that I have. When I say I’m happy, I can say it with honesty. Therapy has helped me so much. I’ve learned how to better manage my triggers when they sneak up and how to refocus my anger when it slithers through my veins like a toxin ready to destroy me. With every bit of anger from my memories, Rebecca, my therapist, told me to find one thing in my memories that has brought me pleasure. Once my anger fades, I dissect what about that memory made me angry, then try to work through the negative emotion. None of the ones with Keaton and Rianna will ever make me happy, but I’ve gotten to where I refuse to allow them to cause me more pain than they already have. Rebecca taught me how to build a cage in my mind where those go. I’m the only one with the key to the lock. I control when they come out so that I can work through them at a pace I’m comfortable with. The relief I felt when they were locked in that proverbial cage nearly sent me into a state of bliss.
I know everything is in my head. Still, after my last talk with Keaton, I was desperate for something more solid to help my healing. Amelia and Alek gave me support, but I realized I needed a different kind of help to truly mend.
Rebecca also gave me some online resources she thought might help me along my journey. I was hesitant about connecting with strangers, but I discovered a large online support group in a few of the forums she recommended. Realizing just how common infidelity is devastated me all over again. Knowing that so many others are feeling and experiencing the same pain reveals how cruel people can be. Infidelity is so hard for me to understand because I can't imagine causingsomeone that level of pain. To deliberately make choices that would devastate someone I love...even the thought is unbearable. That’s the part of Keaton’s cheating that has been hardest for me to let go.
I recommended the forums and Rebecca to Kayla during one of our conversations. She was struggling particularly hard that day, and I wanted her to find some sort of peace for the pain that threaded through each word she spoke. Kayla told me two months ago that she started using both, and I was so happy for her. When she made her first post in the forum for betrayed partners, I could tell the number of members that rallied behind her was shocking for her. I felt the same way after I made my first post in the group, but once I started getting responses, I felt sort of…lighter.
My friendship with Kayla has deepened, too. We found each other at just the right moment, both craving someone who truly understood. Now, our bond is as strong as the one I share with Amelia. And with Kayla comes Ryder, a bonus burst of sunshine. His laughter is infectious, his energy impossible to resist. I admire Kayla and Brock for working so hard to protect that light in him, doing everything they can to keep their struggles from dimming his world.
I know it was rough the first couple of weeks after Kayla called off the wedding and asked Brock to move out. Thankfully, Ryder is still young, so while he knows Brock isn’t there every day, he doesn’t fully understand what’s going on.
I think Kayla enjoys having Amelia in her circle. Amelia has been sharing that lovable dark side with her, and it’s brought a lot of bright smiles to Kayla’s face when her days are a bit bleak.
It doesn’t hide the sadness in Amelia’s eyes and the way it makes her shoulders droop under the weight of it, though.
When Amelia’s stepmom called to say she was in the hospital, I nearly lost my mind. Learning she’d just walked in on Davidtangled up with Lacey Ashton sent me into a fresh wave of fury. I was ready to storm over there and unleash a wrath neither of them would forget.
I knew Amelia and David had been sort of seeing each other. She kept to herself how serious it actually was until she broke down to me in that hospital bed. It probably wouldn’t do to have me and him in the same room right now, that’s for sure. My ass would end up in jail.
Not that I wouldn’t risk prison for my girl, but I’d much rather see David gone for good. Still, that wouldn’t help my case against Rianna, who’s been relentless with her revenge porn and stalking. Her fixation began a couple of months ago. Maybe because she couldn’t get Keaton’s attention, she turned her focus to me instead.
Silly girl obviously doesn’t know I don’t go looking for him to fix my problems anymore. As much as I feel he should be dealing with her, I also don’t want to break the no-contact with him just yet.
Besides, what exactly could he do that my lawyer and the cops weren’t doing already?
