Unfortunately, I’m not that lucky.
Every moment with him now feels like a gamble. A risk to my heart, my mind, and all the healing I’ve managed so far.
But isn’t that what life is? A risk? A roll of the dice? We never know what’s coming next. Losing my baby sister at five, then finding the love of my life tangled up with the town’s biggest mistake, taught me one thing: life is meant to be lived in the now.
Control what you can control. Yourself. Your thoughts, your emotions, your actions…they’re going to be the determining factor in how the rest of your life plays out.
The only one in control of your future…is you.
I give Keaton a tight smile. “So, tell me about who Keaton Carr is,” I demand, playing along with these new roles of strangers that he gave us when I walked in.
He stares at me for so long with unreadable eyes that I shift in my chair. The hair lifts on the back of my neck as if he’s probing my soul. It’s like he’s trying to determine how much truth I’m able to handle, and something about that excites and terrifies me because it means he’s willing to open up. That he’s going to do it here in front of everyone? It’s huge.
Keaton catches the way I wiggle in my seat, though, because he grimaces and breaks off the stare. “Sorry, I don’t want to cause you any more hurt if I can help it, so I guess I was trying to determine how much truth you can handle.”
A gentle warmth blooms in my chest. I give him a soft smile and raise an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what you mean, Keaton. We’ve only just met, remember?”
The eyes of our friends rest heavily upon us, but they deter neither of us as we’re determined to finish this first meeting of ours. Rebecca told me that this first conversation with him after all of this would be one of our toughest emotionally.
“Right,” he says, blowing out a heavy breath. “Then I suppose I should introduce myself properly.”
I steel myself for whatever comes next.
“I already told you my name is Keaton. There are more important things about me I feel should be out in the open, though, before we go any further in this friendship.”
I don’t correct his assumption on where this is going because I don't think I'm as healed as I thought I was. I keep quiet becauseI know whatever is about to come from his mouth is about to break me and heal pieces of me simultaneously.
“See, growing up, there was this girl. Prettiest thing I had ever seen. She had these long curls that were so white they almost seemed more silver. And her eyes, god, her eyes captivated me from the moment they caught mine. We were just little kids, but there was something about her that just told me she was special and she’d change my life in ways I’d never learn until later.”
My fingers curl into fists on my thighs to keep from reaching out to him to soothe the pain in his voice. I can’t.
“It took me years to realize I’d fallen ridiculously and hopelessly in love with her. This slip of a girl had me, and I don’t even think she knew how much. Of course, how could she when I never really opened up and let her know that?”
Our table is quiet, the group captivated by the vulnerability being shown to us by someone we least expected to show it.
“I don’t know why it was so hard for me to let her see those parts of me. Those parts that make us all human. The emotions. I mean, I told her I loved her because it’s always been my one truth.” Keaton pierces me with a look that steals my breath. “Always. Even in the most fucked-up times, I showed her it wasn't possible. You see, Charlie, one of the most important things you should know about me is that I did the one thing neither of us thought I was capable of. I broke one of the most beautiful souls that has ever been placed on this earth, and there’s not a day…not even a second that goes by, that I don’t hate what I did to her. There’s not a day that I look at myself in the mirror and don't hate the reflection shining back at me. It reflects the uglier part of me I didn’t know I had. It’s that part that I’m trying to come to terms with now. I didn’t just destroy her, I destroyed myself and all the memories we had together. I’ve had to sit back and watch her fight to pick up the pieces I wasresponsible for breaking because my presence only added to the bleeding wounds she’s been trying to heal.”
When the first tears fall from Keaton’s lonely eyes, I’m unable to stop myself from reaching out and placing my hand over his to give him that small piece of connection from me he needs. His form goes hazy as my own eyes fill.
The smile he gives me is probably one of the saddest I’ve ever seen. “I’ve gotten to watch as day by day, she grew stronger with the help of friends.” Keaton extends his arm, lifting his hand to cup my cheek. “I’ve had to witness the moment that she was ready to grace someone else with her beauty, and much as it burns me to my fucking soul, it also makes me happy because I destroyed a piece of her I wasn’t sure she’d ever find again.” He drops his hand and peers over at Alek. “I never really thought I’d be thanking the man who did that for her, but I am. Because of him, she found that piece that she needed to help her on her healing journey. And for that, he’ll always have my gratitude.” Then he smirks. “No matter how much I’d love to shove my goddamn fist down his throat.”
Keaton stands and lifts the bottom of his shirt to wipe his eyes.
A glimpse of fresh ink on his skin makes me swallow hard and look away.
He takes a deep breath. “So, hi. I’m Keaton, and I cheated on the love of my life. That’s not who I am. Not anymore, anyway. I’m working to be better, to do better. I’m working to find out why I did it so I can fix whatever is wrong inside me that led me to do something so despicable. I never plan to stop working to be a better person. No matter the journey her life takes her on. It’s the least she deserves from me.”
The tip of his ears turns red, and he rubs the back of his neck with a grimace. “Sorry, guys. I think it’s probably best that I go home. Thanks for having me out tonight. It’s actually been pretty nice.”
He grabs his friend, whose name I never really caught, and heads for the exit. With every step he takes away from me, my heart beats faster.
It feels like a thousand things are left unsaid. I need to say something—anything—before he’s gone.
“Go,” Alek urges quietly.
I peer over at Amelia. She’s staring at me with soft eyes, and for the first time, she’s not really saying anything. But then she gives me a subtle nod, encouraging me to feel whatever the hell I’m feeling inside and do what feels right to me.
I leap from my seat, wobbling on my heels before steadying myself and darting after him. I push through the crowd, rougher than usual, desperate not to let Keaton leave before I can thank him for what he did.
