Her voice is raw with pain. A pain I put there. Not on purpose. Never on purpose. I never wanted this to be our ending.
Not wanting to add to her distress, I weep silently. "I know, butterfly."
"I had sex with Alek."
I grab the ridiculous candle my mom left and hurl it at the wall, watching it explode into glittering shards. "I know, butterfly."
"And I enjoyed it."
Tears fall as I hear the tangled happiness and anguish in her voice. "I know that too. It's okay, Charlie."
"The condom broke," she says quietly.
My lungs seize and my heart stutters, vision swimming with spots.
"You're on the shot, so you're okay," I say numbly.
She stays silent. Nausea rolls through me, my throat tight and impossible to swallow.
"Charlie, please tell me you're still on birth control," I plead brokenly.
Her silence lingers, and something inside me dies. This is what it feels like to have nothing left. To watch everything you fought for turn to ash. To finally understand.
I broke the most precious thing I had. I took Charlie for granted, got complacent, and lost the only person who ever loved me for no reason at all.
I was Charlie’s person, and she was mine.
Now we’re just old lovers, full of bittersweet love and broken dreams, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Pulling in a deep breath, I do my best to get my heart beating again and let out a harsh exhale. "It's okay. It'll be okay. You'll be okay, butterfly. If something happens, you won't be alone. Alek's a good guy, and you're so fucking strong, Char. If you find out something comes of that broken condom, you're gonna be an amazing mom."
I lean my head against the wall and let out a hollow laugh as tears keep falling. Have they stopped since she called? I don’t know, and I don’t care. No one’s here to see my heartbreak anyway.
"I always thought it'd be us having a kid together, ya know? It's what we'd always talked about. I'm sorry I stole that dream from you, Charlie. I just...I don't know. Somehow, I lost sight of who I was, who you were, and who we were together. And I letsomeone else in without really understanding what I was doing. Not until it was too late, and I lost you. And I'm sorry for that too. I know my words mean nothing to you right now. I don't even know if you want them, but if they can make this even the smallest bit easier on you, then I want you to have them."
We sit in silence, just listening to each other breathe. It’s the most peace I’ve felt in ages.
Then she whispers the words that break me open and spark the first hope I’ve felt in half a year.
“I love you, Keaton.”
I can’t hold back. The words rip from my chest, finally free after months in captivity. Why do I deserve them? This is all my fault. Every ounce of pain, I could have stopped if I’d just listened. I was so sure nothing was wrong that I’d never betray her. It took Lionel, Charlie, David, and others to make me see what I’d done with Rianna. I hate the person I became. No one, especially Rianna, should have taken Charlie’s place. But I let it happen, and by the time I saw it, it was too late.
Over a year. I’m still wrestling with it, but for more than a year, I was cheating on Charlie. Lionel called it an emotional affair. I wanted to deny it. I never had feelings for Rianna, just a passing attraction. But everything I gave her, everything that should have been Charlie’s, made it real.
Limerence.
That’s another thing he called it. Well, mutual limerence.
I just call it being a fucking idiot.
Whatever the fuck it is, I’ve got a shit ton of work to do. My butterfly deserves me at my best. She deserves me on my motherfucking knees as I grovel and plead my case. She deserves someone who is not me, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to fight for her anyway. Especially since she said those three words that I’ve been longing to hear for so long now.
“I love you too, Charlie,” I whisper before ending the call.
She lit hope inside me, and now I’m going to fan those motherfucking embers until they burn bright.
I'm Safe, You're Not
