"You're on the shot, so you're okay."
I say nothing this time because there is a tiny part of me that wants him to feel what I did that moment in the pool house.
"Charlie, please tell me you're still on birth control," he pleads brokenly.
And still, I stay quiet.
He inhales sharply and then blows it out. "It's okay. It'll be okay. You'll be okay, butterfly. If something happens, you won't be alone. Alek's a good guy, and you're so fucking strong, Char. If you find out something comes of that broken condom, you're gonna be an amazing mom." His quiet laugh is sad and a little watery. "I always thought it'd be us having a kid together, ya know? It's what we'd always talked about. I'm sorry I stole that dream from you, Charlie. I just...I don't know. Somehow, I lost sight of who I was, who you were, and who we were together. And I let someone else in without really understanding what I was doing. Not until it was too late, and I lost you. And I'm sorry for that too. I know my words mean nothing to you right now. I don't even know if you want them, but if they can make this even the smallest bit easier on you, then I want you to have them."
Is Alek right? Is Keaton fighting for himself so he can fight for me? Do I want him to be? Is there a chance that I'll ever be ableto forgive him? Sometimes, I think I want to. When my heart aches from missing him so much, when something happens that I want to tell him about but no longer can, when I wake up in the middle of the night to reach out for him and he's no longer there, it's in those moments that I want to.
I remember a TEDx Talk speech given by Sarah Montana where she said, "Forgiveness is designed to set you free. When you say, "I forgive you," what you're really saying is 'I know what you did is not okay, but I recognize that you are more than that. I don't want to hold us captive to this thing anymore. I can heal myself, and I don't need anything from you."
The truth is, despite the pain, I miss him. I miss the couple we were before Rianna came into our lives. I miss the way we'd laugh together over something ridiculously stupid, and how he is goofy until I crack a smile when I have a bad day. I miss the way he'd roll over first thing in the morning and kiss me on the forehead before climbing out of bed. It's so many little things I miss the most, and when I think about them, sometimes I get angry at him all over again for stealing those away from me. When the anger fades, as it inevitably does for me, I'm just left with sadness.
I can't say I'm one hundred percent happy, but I'm happier than I was six months ago. And I honestly don't know if I'm ready to forgive him yet, but it's like I remember Sarah Montana saying, I don't want to be held captive to my negative emotions anymore.
Movement from the bathroom doorway draws my attention, and I find Alek leaning against it, watching me with gentle understanding.
I'm not ready yet. There's still too much that needs to be done on his end, and I still need to heal, but I might one day be. So, with that in mind, I whisper something to Keaton to convey that.
"I love you, Keaton."
Listening to him cry quietly on the other end of the phone breaks my heart and soothes me simultaneously. I'm beginning to believe that Alek was actually right earlier. With that in mind, I come to a decision. I'm going to continue living my life, finding and healing myself, but I'm also going to be watching Keaton's actions. If I spot the boy I fell in love with so long ago, if his actions prove the truth of the words he's spoken to me in his letters and tonight, then I'll have to sit down and make a decision for myself.
I'm not stupid. I know one path will lead to an easy life without doubt, without arguments, without triggers, and without constantly battling everyone's judgments. But it's also a path without the guy I've been in love with all my life. The one that, despite the atrocious way he destroyed my heart, I can't seem to let go of. On the other path lie so many fucking landmines, I'll be lucky to navigate them all without setting one off. It's going to be full of highs and lows, mood swings, doubts, and sometimes insecurities. It's going to be a path that is full of trauma, and we'll have to navigate through it as we build a whole new relationship from scratch. It's one where I'll constantly be at war with the people who judge and shame me for reconciling with a cheater. But...but it's also the path with the guy that I've been hopelessly in love with since long before I was thirteen.
Mama and Daddy like to say I always do things the hard way. I've never been one for easy. Do I want to start now just because I'm afraid of being hurt again?
Alek holds his hand out, and I slide mine in it and let him pull me to my feet.
The call with Keaton must have dropped while I was lost in my thoughts, because the screen is black, and when I hit the side button to light it, the call is no longer connected.
When I peer up at him, Alek is already gazing down at me. His eyes roam my face before he gives me a soft, lopsided smile. "So,my Lollie-girl, are you taking the easy path, or are you taking the hard path?"
"How do you know what I was thinking?"
"Because you're my friend, and I know you wouldn't have told him that unless you were thinking about it."
"You're not mad?"
He gives a little scoff. "What the hell would I be mad about? Charlie, even when I knew Keaton was being the stupidest motherfucker on this planet, I understood that you all were the endgame. You always will be, babe. You and me? We came together because we needed to. There is something we have to teach each other, even though I haven't yet established what it is. Our casual relationship... we both know it's only temporary. Our friendship, however...that's for life, Lollie-girl. So, no. I'm not mad because you love Keaton, and I'm not mad because you might one day work it out with him."
"I don't know if I'm ready," I admit. "I think I might want to be. Eventually. Just...not yet. The path I choose is going to depend, I think, on what I see from Keaton over the next few months and how much healing I've done. That nasty bitch is still roaming around, sucking men into her rotten cunt, and destroying relationships. The last I knew, Keaton was supposed to be pressing charges against her, but I haven't heard anything, so he probably dropped it." I sigh. "I don't know, Alek. Maybe he really has feelings for her. He was in an emotional affair with her for a year before he ended up fucking her."
"He doesn't, but I think that's something you're going to have to see for yourself. If you choose to work it out, you already know you're on your timeline. You get to set the pace, babe. Go as fast or as slow as you feel you need to. All of this...it determines how the rest of your life is going to play out. Don't rush it."
Lifting my hand to his cheek, I curl my fingers around it. "I'm really glad you came into my life, Alek. I don't know whatreason...or what lesson, but I know that I probably wouldn't have gotten through these last six months without you."
"Yeah, you would have. You're single-handedly the most stubborn, strong, yet empathetic person I know. You'd have been just fine without me, Char, but it's definitely been an absolute fucking pleasure being friends with you," he replies with a smirk.
My laughter ricochets off the bathroom walls, chasing away the heaviness. "Yeah. It’s been fun, hasn’t it?"
"You're damn straight it has."
He scoops me up, tosses me over his shoulder, and gives my ass a playful smack as we head to the bedroom. Suddenly, I’m airborne, landing on the mattress while Alek makes quick work of my clothes. In what feels like a heartbeat, he’s got a condom on and is inside me again.
"And I'm going to spend the time I have left with you, teaching you every dirty thing I know. That way, when you go back to that asshole and you pull the moves on him, he'll know he's always got to stay at the top of his game," he says, followed by a sexy as hell grunt as he pulls out and thrusts back in.
