By the time his impassioned speech is over, tears pour down my face because I can hear the hurt in my father's voice.
Hurt for me and hurt for Keaton.
"I love you so much, Dad. Thank you. You and Mom are amazing parents, and I wouldn't know what to do without you."
"Hopefully we don't have to worry about that for a long while, yeah? I love you too, kiddo." Mom's voice is muffled in the background. "Mom says she loves you, too, and that you and Mel better be here this weekend. Otherwise, she's coming to get you ladies and bringing her whoopin' spoon."
A laugh escapes me as I picture Mom’s legendary whoopin’ spoon. She’d chase me, Keaton, and Amelia around the house, brandishing it like a weapon, though it was mostly for show—just a few playful swats. It’s become a family legend. Whenever someone ignores her, she threatens the spoon, lips twitching as she tries to keep a straight face.
"Love her too, and we'll be there."
We talk for a few more minutes before ending the call with promises to take care of myself.
I’m tempted to call Amelia for her take, but she’s still stuck at work for another hour. After graduation, Mel landed a job as a software analyst in Sheffield, but she’s only twenty minutes away, so we still get our daily dose of each other. Sometimes she comes here, sometimes I go to her place. She’s been my anchor through all this mess, and honestly, I have no idea where I’d be without her.
She told me the day we came home from meeting Keaton at Grinders that she filled him in on just how much he broke me. I was upset at first because I didn't want either of them to know how much damage they'd done. But when she explained why she did it, I understood. Keaton was still struggling to accept the fallout from his cheating. I knew he realized he hurt me, but I don't think he was grasping just how much. Two monthsago, Keaton was still being selfish and making it about him. She needed something to break through that, and she thought hearing how bad it was would do it. I kind of wish I'd been able to see his face so I could know if it worked. He finally let me read the messages between him and Rianna that day, but it was too little too late. It's not like I'd find anything on that phone anyway because I noticed it was a new one, and the message thread only went back to the ones sent on that date. I wanted to ask him what happened to his old one, but since I already had a pretty good idea, I didn't want it confirmed. There was so much I wanted to say to him when he told me the results of his STD test. The fact that he tested positive was fucking destroying my heart. I kept my mouth shut, though, knowing nothing good would come out if I opened it to say what I wanted.
So I let my journal absorb the storm of my anger instead.
Amelia has told me she believes I should give it to Keaton when it's full, so that he can get a look inside my head and feel the pain he's caused me. Ever since he started sending the letters, I've given it more thought. I'm still not sure, though. My head is sometimes a dark mess, full of anger, hate, and love that I can't express out loud, and I don't know if I want to let him see that vulnerable side of me.
By the time I'm finished cleaning up my mess in the kitchen and back in my room resting against my headboard, it's way past time for Amelia to be home.
I flip through the movies on my Netflix queue, trying to decide what I'm in the mood for while I wait for my best friend to answer.
"Hello?" she answers breathlessly, followed by a muffled masculine voice.
My lips tilt up. "Amelia Jane, do you have a guy over?"
"You're clearly hearing things," she mutters, heading onto her balcony from the sound of the sliding glass door opening.
"You're so full of shit."
"It's nobody. Just a good fuck," she says in a strange tone.
That same masculine voice snaps something, and she covers the mouthpiece to say something back, and then the sliding door slams together.
If I hadn’t been paying close attention, I would have missed the tiny catch in her breath. That’s all I need to know exactly who was just at her place.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask softly.
"Nope," she says, popping the p.
"I'm here when you're ready."
"I know, babe. Anyway, what's up?"
"AlekaskedmeonadateandIsaidyes," I push out so fast the words run together.
"Dear Goddess of the lust moon, please tell me you just said Alek asked you on a date and you said yes."
I nod vigorously until I realize she can't see me. "Yep."
"Well, shit, baby cakes. Slap my ass and call me mommy. I didn't think you were ever going to accept." The excitement in her voice dies down. "But you're calling because you want to know what I think. Let me guess. That big, beautiful heart of yours isn't as sure as you want it to be, is it?"
"Why isn't it as easy for me as it was for him, Mel? Why can't I just disregard him and what he means to me? There's so much anger inside me, and my thoughts are heading in a direction that terrifies me. My first thought when Alek kissed me earlier was that I hoped Keaton could witness it so he'd feel a small piece of what I did. I've got this need inside me, Mel, that wants to fucking hurt him so bad, and I hate it. This isn't who I am, and it scares the hell out of me. I'm not someone who needs vengeance on another person because they hurt me."
"It's difficult for you, Charlie, because you're this amazing fucking person who could never destroy someone's soul likethat. When you love, you do it hard and deeply. Completely forget how sexual that sounds. But I digress, cheaters usually have something missing inside them. They see something shiny they want and make excuses to justify the way they're feeling. It's natural to want to hurt the person who broke you so viciously. It doesn't mean you're a bad person because of it. You're healing, babe. And that means you're going to go through every damn emotion known to man. What does Rebecca tell you?"
