One step forward, ten steps crashing back.
When will the pain ever stop?
I just want it to stop.
How the hell do I make myself hate someone when I love them so damn much?
Moving On
Charlie | The Past
AfterRiannaleft,silencestretched between Alek and me. My thoughts spun wildly, tangled up in the memory of that kiss and the storm of feelings it unleashed.
I was never supposed to end up here. Another guy’s lips on mine? That wasn’t in the plan. I shouldn’t be wrestling with how to move on from someone who was my forever.
Keaton left me shattered, sorting through the remains of a love I thought was unbreakable. Now, I have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to start again.
I owe myself the chance to see if happiness can be found not just within, but maybe, just maybe, with someone else too.
Before Keaton cheated on me, which I'm finally seeing was a lot longer than I wanted to admit, I would have never even thought about it. Keaton was all I could see. He was my life, my love, and my heart. He was the only person I wanted to be with. Keaton Carr was my endgame and had been since the moment I met him at five years old. To know that it was so easy to turnaway from me after everything we've been through kills me. It makes me question everything we had together, because if our love was real for him, then he shouldn't have been able to push me aside so easily. If it were real, another girl wouldn't have been able to take my place. Keaton had another girlfriend, and I didn't even know it.
Or more like I didn't want to admit it. Not until I had to.
Keaton wasn't the only one in heavy denial, and it took witnessing the physical act to finally open my eyes to the truth.
Now, whenever I think about it all, the subtle signs were there. Flipping his phone face down, defending her anytime someone said something about her, always running when she needed her "friend", ignoring the way everyone tried to warn him. They were all right in front of my face, and I completely overlooked them.
Why? Why the hell did I do that? Would it have made a difference if I acknowledged his cheating the moment it started?
Again.
The moment it started again. Because I acknowledged the signs the first time, I just couldn't bring myself to truly believe it, even though it was right there.
I needed to have hope that Keaton would never jeopardize our relationship. I needed to know that he loved me enough to never betray me like that. Do I still believe that he loves me? I think in his own way. Somewhere inside him, the love we shared with each other for eight years still burns.
It just doesn't burnenough.
Not anymore.
And I'll never settle for anything less. I need the person I share a life with to be all-in with me and only me. If I can't have that with anyone, then I'd rather be alone.
Nothing wrong with becoming a cat lady.
Alek's worried eyes follow me around the cafe as I complete the closing duties. This isn't unusual. A few times a week, he'sparked at a table with his laptop as he waits for me to get off, and then he'll take me home. The nights he's not here, Amelia is. They've refused to leave me alone.
I don't think it's because they believe I can't take care of myself. They do it because they're concerned with how I'm feeling.
As much as I appreciate and even enjoy their company, their presence is getting stifling. I don't want to tell them that, though, because they're the only ones who truly know the horror and heartbreak I've experienced. My parents know. Keaton's parents know. The whole campus knows. But none of them have seen the days when my mind goes dark, or been there when I wake with a cry as my mind replays a montage of Keaton and her.
It's been Amelia and Alek for the last two months, and, for now, I don't want that to change.
After locking up the back and making sure everything is powered down, I flip off the lights, grab my bag, and head out to Alek.
He glances up at the sound of my footsteps and smiles as he closes his laptop. "You ready, Lollie?"
I aim a vicious scowl at him when he uses that ridiculous nickname he's given me. "Why do you call me that? It's silly and makes no sense."
Once he has everything gathered, he stands and tweaks my nose. "Because you're sweet and cute, just like a lollipop." His eyes drop to my lips for a second and fill with heat. "Really, really sweet."
