Their anger almost comforts me, but I know that the consequences are mine to face alone.
"Dude. This bitch is fucking psychotic. Straight up. She admits to doing it on purpose," Amelia exclaims, forgetting in the heat of the moment that she's pissed off at me, too.
"Yeah," I agree.
Charlie’s lips part, and I know she wants to defend me out of habit, but this time she stays silent. She hands the phone back, careful not to let our fingers brush.
"I'm glad you're getting treatment and that you've finally been smart and blocked her. I want to say that I'm sorry you've been subjected to someone like her, but I just don't have it in me to be polite Charlie, right now."
She shoves on Amelia's shoulder to get her scoot out of the way, and I don't miss the glassy sheen to her eyes.
"Hey, Charlie," I say softly, halting her progress. "Is there anything specific you want me to work on in therapy? I'm already doing no contact, and I'm reading any articles I comeacross that deal with infidelity. I've got a journal to detail everything so I can try to figure this out, and I'm staying open and honest with you. But is there anything you need to see from menow?"
Charlie shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I can't do this with you. Not right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready because even though I know it's real, this talk just makes it even more real."
I lean my forearms on the table, getting as close to her as I'm allowed. "I know it's fucking selfish of me to ask, but do you think you'd be up to doing couples counseling with me? It doesn't have to be at any of my next appointments, but maybe soon?"
"You’re right, it is selfish of you to even think about asking. What's the point, Carr? We're split up, so I'm not sure what it would do now. I just told you I'm not ready to talk about it with you, why would you assume I'd be ready to talk to anyone else about it?" she says, making Amelia climb to her feet so she can scoot out of the booth.
"I understand. Would you maybe think about it?"
Charlie shakes her head no before squeezing Amelia's arm and murmuring something to her before walking off.
Amelia turns her attention to me, and her narrowed eyes warn me that her bark is about to turn into a bite. "You keep hearing her speak, Keaton, but you're not fucking listening. She told you she wasn't ready to talk about it. You just keep pushing her, anyway. You've already fucked up as big as you could. What do you think is going to happen when you finally push her off the edge she's balancing so precariously on?" She glances over her shoulder to look at Charlie, who has stopped to talk to an elderly couple that I'm pretty sure works in the mess hall. Then she turns back to me. "Do you know that every single night I have to sit outside my bathroom door and listen to her cry? She tries to be quiet, all curled up in the bathtub, but she can't alwayskeep her fucking chest from cracking open and letting out the sobs trapped inside. She doesn't know that I sit out there and cry with her so that she's not alone. Do you know what that's like, Keaton?"
I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've ever seen tears in Amelia's eyes, and to know that it's my butterfly's pain in the ones that fill them now...well, that fucks me up in ways I can't comprehend.
"Do you know what it's like to see someone that's normally so strong and so happy, so fucking broken curled into a ball in the bottom of an empty bathtub? I do, Keaton. And let me tell you something...it's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever witnessed. So, the next time you think about pushing her when she tells you she's not ready, try to imagine what I see every damn night. Stop being so selfish, man. Fix yourself and let her go so that maybe one day she doesn't have to wake up in the bottom of a fucking bathtub. Or worse, she decides to not wake up at all."
Through blurred vision, I watch her move gracefully from person to person, offering pieces of herself she barely has left. Her smile is dazzling, but only someone who knows her as well as I do can see the cracks. They bask in her light, never guessing at the shadows she’s fighting to keep at bay.
If you look closely, you’ll see the fractures in her, held together by nothing more than hope and invisible glue.
Without taking my eyes off her, I give Amelia my agreement with a nod, and I know she understands because she whispers a watery "thank you" before grabbing Charlie and pulling her out of the cafe with her.
I sit there for a few more minutes staring at the empty doorway that they walked out of before climbing to my feet, shoving my hands into my pockets, and making my way out of the cafe and to my apartment.
Visions of Charlie curled in the bottom of a bathtub trail me all the way home. They haunt me until I have to stop and retch, my stomach churning since the moment I got my results.
Karma greets me in the form of Rianna, pacing outside my apartment complex. She spots me, smiles, and rushes over, but when she tries to hug me, I sidestep and watch her stumble.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I snarl.
Her brows draw together. "But..."
"No fucking buts. I told you to stay the fuck away from me. Where does that mean for you to show up at my apartment?"
Rianna waves her hand in the air, brushing away my words. "You didn't mean it, baby. I know you're just mad because of what I did. But you're okay. They're giving you medicine, right? So you'll be good in a couple of weeks."
I take another step back, rub my forehead, and shake my head as I try to make sense of her words. "You're a real piece of work, Rianna. Get this through your head. I don't want to see or hear you again. I absolutely despise both of us. You told Charlie that I was yours and that I didn't want her anymore. I've never been yours. I've always been hers, and even if she never takes me back, I'll still be hers."
"No. Stop saying that. It's not true." She grabs her hair in both hands and pulls. "You love me. You want to be with me. That's why you were always with me. That's why you gave me a year of friendship. You knew we'd be together, baby. I made you laugh and smile, and I didn't fight with you. That's what you wanted."
She repeats the same lines like a broken record, no matter how many times I tell her it’s the wrong song. There are pieces of her that never quite fit, and I only see it now that I’m finally looking.
"Rianna, I need you to listen to me, because this is the last time I'm going to say anything at all to you. If you don't leave me alone, then I'll have no choice but to force you."
She stays silent, but I see something unsettling flicker in her eyes. I’m exhausted, my skin crawling just from being near her. I want to scrub myself raw and erase every trace of her touch.
