So, why then did I cheat on her?
Where is shit so twisted in my head that I risked the one thing that means the world to me?
"Ma, I'm lost. I don't know where to go from here. All I want to do is fix this. I need to show Charlie how sorry I am, but I don't even know where to start." Rolling my head, I stare at the only picture of Charlie left. I never found my phone, so I ended up getting a new one. The backup on my old phone was off, so none of my photos synced. Losing all the memories that were so important to me of our life together has even more hate accumulating inside me. "I fucked up, mom."
"Yeah, Keaton, you did. Until you can figure out why, you'll never even begin to repair the damage you've inflicted on Charlie. That's where you start, son. You've got to find the point of no return and go from there. Walk through each step you took and analyze it. Tear it apart and make a note of every interaction, every word, every touch—no matter how innocent you believed them to be. Because somewhere in all those interactions, the first boundary was crossed."
"The tipping point was the moment I became friends with Rianna when I found her attractive," I finally admit.
My throat scorches as the confession leaves my lips.
"Then you need to determine why you did that. I'm assuming she's not the first girl you've found attractive outside of Charlie." When I don't answer, she sighs. "Keaton, it's normal to find other people appealing. It's part of human nature. How you choose to handle that is where the problems arise."
"You've been attracted to other men besides Dad?"
It’s almost impossible to picture, given how my parents are together. They’ve always been my blueprint for love with Charlie. Maybe that’s part of it. Did I crush myself under the weight of trying to match my dad’s devotion?
Mom snorts. "Of course. And so has your father. But that's all it should ever be. An acknowledgment in passing. Younever bring it into your life any further because it can lead to temptation. That's like being on a diet and sitting in front of a delicious taco. Your mouth will water as your body begs for just one taste until it's finally too much. You give in to the demand it's made of you and satisfy the lust, only to realize after the first bite what a cruel choice you've made. Now, your body is going to either crave more or it's going to rebel so hard that just the thought of another bite has you hugging the toilet to puke up the foul ingredients. But by then, the damage is already done. Your diet is over, and you have to start a new one. Why would you ever want to do that to yourself? Tell me, son. Are you craving another bite, or is your body rebelling?"
"I'm hugging the toilet, ma."
"Good. Now, answer me. Wasshethe first person you've been attracted to outside of Charlie?"
"No."
Shame drags me under, suffocating me in its heaviness, and I struggle to break the surface.
"And what did you do when that happened?"
"I walked away."
"You walked away." I can hear the satisfying smile in her voice. "So, why couldn't you this time? What made her different? Figure that out and you've got another place to start."
"I'm sorry I let you all down, Mom."
"I know you are, my boy. Have you gotten counseling yet?"
The longer I stare at Charlie’s photo, the tighter my chest constricts. I want to turn it over, hide her smile, but leaving it out feels like the penance I deserve.
"Not yet. It's on my list of things I've been building to do."
"What's on your list?"
I grab the notebook I bought specifically for tracking my progress. Flipping through the pages, I find my list. "Counseling, no contact with Rianna—which I started when Charlie caughtus—complete transparency with Charlie anytime she needs it. Those were recommended in the articles you sent. There are more things I want to do for her, but I'm scared, Mom. How do I prove I love her when my actions say otherwise?"
"I won't lie to you, Keaton. You've got a lot of work cut out for you, and it will be harder than anything you've ever had to do. No matter what you're doing on your end, Charlie will work on healing herself. I don't know what that's going to entail, but you have to accept whatever it is as long as it's not harmful to her. You betrayed her in one of the most horrible ways possible, and the damage that has been caused is more than just your relationship, son. It's inside her now. Every time she glances in the mirror, she's going to look for flaws, she's going to question everything she's loved about herself, and she's constantly going to compare herself to Rianna. Your betrayal has probably shaken her confidence, which is something we both know our girl never really struggled with."
Every truth she speaks lands like a spike in my heart, branding me for what I’ve done to Charlie.
I’m realizing now my betrayal is so much more than just sex. Sex that I barely even fucking remember. The lead-up, the fallout, the heartbreak...those are burned into me forever.
By betraying her, I shattered everything she trusted—herself, me, our love, our future.
My stomach churns violently. "Can you help me find a good one, Mom? Maybe a counselor who specializes in this? I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've got insurance through work, but even if it's not covered, I'll pay what's needed. As long as they're the best because that's what it's going to take to help me get to the bone of my cheating."
"No,” mom states bluntly. “You made this mess, it's on you to clean up. I'll be here for you, but I'm not going to do any more of the legwork.” She sighs. “Just do some research. The internetwill be your best friend. It'll lead you in the direction you need to go. You need to continue working on your list and what I said about your point of no return and your steps from that moment forward. I'm here whenever you want to chat, son, but you'll never learn from this if you're expecting me to clean up after you."
"Thanks for not giving up on me, despite how disappointed you are in me."
