“And then this kiss wasn’t so simple,” I add softly, seeing where she’s going with this.
Charlie nods and gives me a sad half-smile. “And then it wasn’t so simple. As much as I wanted to focus on you and the way you made me feel, my brain wouldn’t shut up. It wouldn’t stop questioning.”
She lowers her chin, eyes fixed on my shirt as she fidgets with imaginary lint, searching for comfort in the smallest distraction.
I reach out and tuck a finger under her chin to lift it so I can see her beautiful face. “Don’t hide from me, please.”
“I just…” She blows out a breath. “In the grand scheme of things, it really shouldn’t matter, but…”
She pauses again to chew on her bottom lip, and I use my thumb to pull it from between her teeth.
A silent question flickers in her eyes, burning with the weight of what she can’t quite say.
“I never kissed her,” I murmur, my thumb drifting along her bruised lip, soothing the mark she left behind. “To most people, it may not matter, not after everything else that happened, but it’s okay that it does to you, Charlie.”
Her doubt guts me, and I know I’m the reason for it. That knowledge doesn’t dull the sting, just sharpens it.
I push my own pain aside, determined to focus on hers. My wounds can wait. Right now, she needs me more.
Cradling her face in my hands, I hold her steady. The gesture leaves us exposed, but I need her to see the truth in my eyes.
“I never kissed her, Charlie.”
“Did you think about?”
“No. Never.”
Her next question knocks the air from my lungs, a wave of cold sweeping through me.
“But you thought about having sex with her before you did it. It might have only been once, but you did, didn’t you? You wouldn’t have had sex with her otherwise, Keaton.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and let my hands drop, suddenly unworthy of her touch. I’ve dreaded this moment, the part of my betrayal I can barely forgive myself for.
A gasp escapes as Charlie’s warm palm finds my cheek. My tear-filled eyes fly open, meeting hers, shining and raw.
“Don’t hide from me, please,” she repeats my words back to me. “I know this is hard on both of us, but it’s time to get it out.”
“Harder for you.”
Charlie shakes her head. “Don’t do that. Don’t downplay your feelings as if they’re not as important as mine. I did that to you in the beginning, and it wasn’t fair. It’s what I needed to do to get where I am today, though, so I’m not going to apologize for that, okay? I couldn’t focus on you and your feelings until I was in a safe headspace. Look, Keaton. The last thing I ever want todo is bring up things I’d rather forget. Unfortunately, if we want to come out the other side of this stronger, we have to.”
This time, I shake my head, a tear slipping down my cheek. “You deserve better than me.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I deserve, yeah?”
I lean my head back against the couch, my hands resting on her thighs. I meet her gaze and confess the last secret that’s haunted me.
“There was one time I did. It was in the beginning, and it was a fleeting thought, but those still count. It made me sick when I realized it, and I shoved the thought so far down inside of me that I went into deep denial about it. Lionel helped me come to terms with that, but I don’t believe I ever will fully.”
My heart twists at the pain blazing in her eyes. Her shoulders tremble with sobs, and I pull her close, holding her as tightly as I can. Our shared grief over what we lost pours out in tears, each one washing away a little more of the agony, making room for hope and healing.
At last, she pulls away, and I wipe at my tears. “It’s been hard to accept that part of myself. That even for a moment, I could think that way about someone who wasn’t you.”
“Believe me,” Charlie says with a slightly bitter laugh. “It’s not been easy for me to accept either.”
“I’m sorry, beautiful.”
“I know you are, Keaton. I truly do.”
