Page 119 of Problematic: Vol 1


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In efforts to get his best friend out of her slump, Shane planned a girls' night out. One of his clients told him about a new immersive restaurant in downtown Detroit, Spoons and Swoons. There were three movies to pick from, and whichever movie you chose determined your meal for the night. Aria thought it would be fun for them to try a chocolate mushroom before leaving the house, and while Tyler was with the shits, Shane told her to suck a dick. Unfortunately for him, Aria didn’t read the directions, and they ate the entire bar, leaving them in a psychedelic haze. Tyler couldn’t find her face and Aria’s tongue was numb.

“I can’t feel my face,” Tyler whined. “Is it there? Is my face still on my face?” She panicked, touching her cheek. “I already don’t have no money, what am I going to do with no faceeeee?”

“I told yo ass to eat a little piece,” Shane snapped as they exited the car. “You better not start tripping.”

“My young is numb.” Aria stuck her tongue out, making sure it was still there. “I can’t even say it...young, toufung. My toufung is gone.”

“What the fuck is a young toufung? Oh, you bitches better not embarrass me,” he hissed, tightly smiling at a couple walking by them.

“You’re definitely going to be embarrassed walking around with someone who doesn’t have a face,” Tyler cried.

“Bitch you have a face!” he growled, holding the door open for them.

Both Tyler and Aria stood next to him instead of going inside. Shane shook his head, knowing that it was going to be a long night.

“Go in!” he yelled.

“Oh,” Aria snickered. “I thought you were holding the door open for someone.”

“Yall dummy! I’m holding the door open for yall slow asses.”

“Oh, right.” Tyler cleared her throat and walked around him with her head held high.

“Welcome to Spoons and Swoons!” the host greeted excitedly as they entered the dimly lit establishment.

The upscale movie theater was breathtaking. Pictures of black cinema clung to the walls with dimly lit sconces evenly placed between them. Black velvet chairs were neatly alignedagainst the wall with accent pillows neatly placed in the center. Displays of popcorn, M&M’s, Snickers, Skittles, and Kit Kat bars were stacked behind a clear glass case next to the podium where the hostess was standing. A basket of throw blankets and slippers stood on a high-top table for guests, providing them with the ultimate movie experience.

“Oh, this is cute.” Shane popped his lips. “And it smells amazing in here. “We have a reservation for three.”

“Three?” Aria snaked her neck. “Who else coming?”

“This bitch,” Shane hissed. “You, Ty, and me, duh.”

“Ok, shit, right. I am here.” She slapped her forehead.

“Please excuse them,” Shane smiled awkwardly.

“It’s no problem,” the hostess giggled. “Ok, so tonight we haveBaby Boy,Soul Food,andLove Jonesshowing. Each movie has its own customized menu and setup.” She glanced down at the clipboard in front of her. “I see you pickedBaby Boy.”

“Is this Jody? The Jody that got my boo pregnant and can’t take care of his responsibilities as a muthafuckin’ man?” Aria quoted, making Tyler double over in laughter. “Didn’t I tell you to get a block, with ya black ass,” she added.

“I thought your tongue was numb.” Shane squinted at her. “Shut it up!”

“I don’t wanna watchBaby Boy. Jody was a mama’s boy and I don’t like how Melvin was in that lady's kitchen cooking with his ass out.” Tyler tooted her lips as if she could smell his pubic hair sizzling. “And I’ll never forgive Snoop for kicking that lil boy’s fort over. That was rude and if I ever meet him, I’mma chop his ass in the throat for trying to take Yvette's goodies in front of her son.”

“So you gone rape me...in front of my son,”Aria quoted.

“Oh my god.” Shane palmed his head. “Can we change the movie?” he asked the host, already fed up.

“Uh, sure.”

“Oh, let’s doSoul Food.” Aria clapped her hands together. “Big mama always told me not to leave the towel on the stove.” She pointed her finger in Shane’s face.

“I’mma fuck you up,” he hissed at her. “ButSoul Foodsounds fine.”

“Great!” The host gathered the menus. “We do ask that you keep the talking to a minimum because the show is sold out and we want to make sure everyone has a good experience. Please follow me.”