‘You’re scared of being happy. You’ve been alone for a long time and then suddenly here is a man who loves you and you love him, but boy, isn’t that frightening as well as truly magical? When I fell for Emma I was so terrified I couldn’t think straight. I thought it was the end of my freedom, the end of the life I’d known before, but I had to take a giant leap of faith and go with it, and I’m so glad I did. Of course, it wasn’t the end of anything, it was the beginning of a new and wonderful life. Loving someone makes us vulnerable, but we owe it to ourselves to take that chance.’
Suddenly my mobile rings and Ward’s name lights up my screen.
He urges me to take the call. ‘Don’t ruin something before it’s even begun.’
I meet Ward in a pub local to my home and close to Ward’s flat in Brook Green.
He hands me a glass of wine, anger burning in his eyes. ‘You didn’t think to wait, to find out who I was talking to?’
‘I got it wrong,’ I admit. ‘I know now. I called Lucas.’
‘You called Lucas?’
‘He told me he’d been in meetings all day.’ As I say it I know it sounds bad, so foolish of me not to talk to Ward first. ‘He reassured me he won’t do anything without my consent, he understands I need time.’
‘You calling him makes it even worse!’ He lowers his voice. ‘All you had to do was talk tome.’
‘I know. And I’m so sorry,’ I say, ashamed of myself.
‘If you really want to know, I was talking toLuke,my solicitor. I was talking about Marina. I thought we could do the divorce thing in a civilised way, but apparently not.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, reaching for his hand, but he withdraws it immediately.
‘Do you know what really hurts, Jan? That you were so ready to believe, to think the worst of me.’
‘I’m…’ There’s no excuse. I lean towards him again, but he edges even further away.
‘After everything we have been through, do you honestly think I’m the kind of man who’d do that to you?’
‘No. I don’t know what—’
‘You think I’d have a cosy old chat with your brother to get you onside, just so I can earn a fat commission? If that’s what you think of me, you and I have no chance,’ he says, getting up and grabbing his coat from the back of his chair. ‘And Lucas deserves better. He gave you his word not to go ahead without your consent and you should have trusted him too. That day, when you ran off, Lucas was in pieces. He knew he’d taken his pain and anger out on you and was truly sorry. He was in tears, Jan. You’re right, he’s bottled a lot up over the years; you aren’t the only one who’s suffering.’
‘Ward! Wait! Please don’t go.’
He turns to me. ‘If that’s what you think of me,’ he repeats, ‘it’s best we end it right now.’
I rush home and throw some clothes into a case. Isla is furious with me. She doesn’t want to get in the car yet again and go to Cornwall for the weekend, especially not when Great-grandpops isn’t there. ‘I want to work on my photography competition!’ She and Ruki had been busy going over her images on the computer.
‘There’s no point arguing!’
‘I have rights!’ she shouts back at me. ‘I should be able to choose what I want to do sometimes. My teacher said—’
‘Enough! You do as I say, Isla.’
Ruki touches my arm. ‘Are you sure you’re safe to drive?’
‘I’m fine,’ I say, feeling anything but. I have blown it with Ward. I have shattered the trust between us and it’s all my fault.
I can’t even remember driving out of London or getting on to the motorway. I can’t even remember arriving at Beach House.
It’s the early hours of this morning. I’m exhausted from the long drive, but still can’t switch off. I turn my bedside light on and send Ward a message.‘I’m so sorry,’I type.‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. I should have trusted you. Please forgive me.’ I press ‘Send’ wishing I could tell him how much I love him. Never before have I felt this way. I realise my feelings for Dan didn’t even come close to how I am feeling now. I felt scared when Dan broke up with me because I was having his child and didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t love him, not in the way that I love Ward, a love so strong I would do anything to put this right.
The following morning, the moment I wake up, I check my messages on my mobile, but my heart sinks when I haven’t had a response.
After breakfast we head down to the beach. Isla takes Spud’s lead and walks him across the sand, looking for shells or anything else interesting. The beach is deserted. Both Isla and I are wrapped up in many layers. Winter seems so much colder in Cornwall. I sit on the wall by the closed cafe and watch the sea, listening to the sound of the waves and trying to work out my next move with Ward. Grandad used to say that the waves often gave him an answer to his problems. I wait. I’ll write him a letter, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll tell him exactly how I feel. I will keep on calling him. I’ll knock on his door; I’ll bash it down if I have to. I won’t let our relationship die. I won’t. I close my eyes, and hear Grandad’s voice saying, ‘That’s my girl. You fight.’
I open them when I hear another voice.
