‘Because of Spencer?’
Ward shakes his head. ‘He didn’t help, but…’ He runs a hand through his hair. ‘Marina and I, we lost a child eighteen months ago, our baby.’
I look at him, understanding now that look of loss in his eyes when I saw him in the nursery at Uley Lodge, gazing out into the garden, trapped in his own world of pain.
‘Marina gave birth to a little girl who had to be put into a ventilator immediately. I didn’t have time to hold her,’ he says, his voice breaking. ‘Didn’t have time to introduce myself. We lost the baby only hours later.’
I touch his arm. ‘You know what it’s like, Jan, losing someone. You know more than anyone. It rips you into pieces. Her death broke me in two; sometimes it only feels like yesterday. Instead of Marina and I coming together, working through our grief, she decided I’d failed her. It was my fault. Spencer isn’t the only man she’s slept with; there have been a string of them. We’ve tried to work through it. We saw a counsellor. I wasn’t very good at that,’ he says, with a tiny glimmer of a smile. ‘I kept on being told I needed to let go; I needed to cry. The thing is, from my schooldays, by my father it’s been ingrained in me not to cry. Marina took it as coldness, as not caring, which is why she sought out other men for comfort. But it was quite the opposite, if only I could have shown it. In the end I had to accept it wasn’t working. Our love wasn’t strong enough to overcome this. I only have to be here, to hear your grandfather talk about your granny, to understand what we had wasn’t a patch on their relationship.’
I touch his arm again, only this time I keep my hand there.
‘I didn’t get to say hello or goodbye to my little girl,’ he says, looking at me with such sorrow in his eyes, before bowing his head, and soon I’m holding him in my arms, rocking him like a child, as he cries his way through unshed tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ward says, when finally we pull apart, ‘but you have this way of making me…’ He shrugs, ‘I don’t know, be myself. I feel like you know me, you understand me.’
‘I feel the same about you,’ I say, thinking of all those times that I’ve opened up to Ward about Isla or my school days. I have shared fears with him that I wouldn’t even share with my friends, let alone my boss.
‘I know we don’t know one another that well.’
Ward is right. In so many ways our friendship is like a book. We have turned a few pages, a few chapters perhaps, but there’s still a long way to go. And it’s true to say that since our kiss I have done as much as I can to distance myself, to stop turning the pages, scared of where the end might lead. ‘But I was wondering if you’d like to spend some time with me,’ he asks, ‘some time outside of the office to see if you like the Ward who isn’t your boss? I don’t know what the situation is with this other man, but…’
I nod.
‘Is that a yes?’ he asks, a small smile beginning to spread across his face.
We edge closer to one another. ‘It’s a yes. A big yes.’
Ward takes my face into his hands and kisses me.
We do no more talking that night. Ward sleeps in the blue room with me, with the sound of the waves outside our window.
All those years of loneliness melt away at his touch.
In the middle of the night, I wake up, naked and wrapped in his arms. It takes me a moment to remember our evening, but when I do I close my eyes and drift into a deep sleep.
The following morning Grandad notices the change of mood round the breakfast table, me pouring Ward a coffee, both of us unable to wipe the smiles off our faces. I’m bursting to tell Grandad the news. Ward had wanted me to tell him when we were alone. ‘He thinks I’m married,’ he had said. ‘Which, technically, I still am.’
‘I’ll explain,’ I reassured him. ‘I’ll tell him, if that’s OK?’
Ward had nodded, before kissing me again.
When Ward is outside with the garage mechanic I mention I’m taking a walk with Grandad. We’re going for a stroll along the beach and won’t be long. I know his smile is wishing me good luck.
I take Grandad’s arm. ‘How are you feeling?’ I ask him. ‘Bella told me you’ve—’
‘Don’t listen to Bella.’
‘She told me you’ve had a few falls, Grandad.’
He dismisses my concern. ‘I’m old, it’s normal.’
‘Yes, but—’
‘Stop fussing, Jan. I’m quite all right. Now, what’s going on with you and Ward?’
‘He’s been on a trial separation, which explains so much. He and Marina are getting a divorce. Oh, Grandad, we talked all night.’ I tell him about Ward and his wife losing their baby. He remains quiet, but there is no better person to understand Ward’s pain than Grandad. ‘Please don’t worry.’ I turn to him. ‘We’re going to take it slow and keep it quiet, until his divorce papers are signed, until that’s over, but I do trust him and I promise you can trust him too.’
Grandad clutches my hand. ‘Well, if you’re happy, so am I. I liked him the moment we met. I was wary, of course I was, but I can see he’s a good man.’
