‘I am different, aren’t I, Mum?’ She looks at me with those large innocent blue eyes. ‘I’m handicapped.’
‘No, no you’re not. You’re Isla and if we were all the same that would be very boring. Your CP makes you the girl you are and that is a brave and kind one who makes her old mum so happy.’
Lizzie joins me. ‘Godmum Lizzie thinks the same. Your legs are wobbly, Isla, that’s all. My ears are far too big and flappy.’ She wiggles them, but Isla still doesn’t smile.
‘Gemma laughs at me. She says I can’t walk in a straight line.’
‘Well,’ I say, ‘you tell her it doesn’t matter because you’re never going to be a tightrope artist, ha ha.’
A small smile creeps on to her face.
‘You might not walk in a straight line, but in my eyes bravery counts for more.’ I kiss her cheek.
Lizzie kisses her too. ‘Your mum’s right. You are different. I’m different too. That’s what makes the world go round.’
Over supper I demand that Lizzie distracts me with her news. She fills me in on her boyfriend, Dave. She is over the moon happy; he is her soulmate. Next she tells me a decluttering story. Over the last four weeks she has visited a grossly overweight and depressed woman in her thirties. ‘Her house was so bad I couldn’t get through the front door,’ Lizzie says, grinding pepper on to her food. ‘Can’t think howshedoes. Even her shower cubicle was filled with rubbish.’
‘It’s terrible, but in an awful way this is cheering me up,’ I tell Lizzie with a dry smile.
‘I know what you mean. She made my life seem so straightforward. Oh Jan, she’s lost her way, like we all do. I can’t begin to cure her, but we did make a start. I have never worked so hard; we cleared out her entire house. I had to battle with her to throw away an old receipt for a pint of milk, so imagine going through her wardrobe. But she did it and she’s promised me she’ll go and see a counsellor.’
‘You know, you should become one yourself. You’re so good at this stuff.’
She plays with her food. ‘It’s funny you say that. I’ve been looking into taking a degree. I might save up, take a course next autumn.’
‘You should. You have a gift.’
‘How are you doing? After today?’
‘It hasn’t been the best week.’
‘Jan?’ Lizzie can see right through me. Trying to hide something from her is like trying to hide an elephant in the room.
So, I end up telling her everything, from the pitch, to the kiss, to bumping into Ward’s wife in the street, to the punch-up with Spencer, to Spencer sleeping with Marina and finally to my colossal mistake getting the time wrong for Ward’s pitch.
‘Crikey, youhavebeen busy.’
I laugh at that. ‘Everything was so simple when I worked for Jeremy.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me about Ward before?’
‘I’m ashamed. I don’t feel that proud of kissing a married man.’
‘Spencer and Ward were fighting over you.’ She refills our glasses.
‘No, they weren’t.’
‘Spencer is easy to work out. He’s an opportunist, but why did Ward even turn up that night when he knew you were on a date? Imagine if you had been with this Ralph guy? What would Ward have done then?’
I have thought about this. ‘I don’t know.’
‘He was jealous, J.’
‘He has no right to be.’ But I felt for him when I saw that hurt look in his eyes, the hurt and anger that Spencer had slept with his wife. I care. I want to make it better. I care. Oh, why do I care so much?
‘Course Ward doesn’t have a right to be jealous, but us humans, we don’t follow the rules. I’m sure he does have feelings for you, clearly he does, but… Oh, who am I to give advice given my affair with a married man?’
‘That was years ago, and anyhow, you didn’t know he was married.’
