How hard can it be?
That evening, when I kiss Isla goodnight, I see her certificate of bravery framed on her bedroom wall. The kind doctor in America had given it to her, after her surgery.
I think back to that time. If we can get through that, I can surely deal with one mistaken kiss and I can take on Gemma Sanders. Isla and I can get through anything, I tell myself, shutting the door behind me.
22
2006
Before the plane takes off, Granny pretends to be absorbed in the safety manual with its picture of a woman attaching an oxygen mask. I have turned all my attention to Isla.
‘Who is funny man?’ she asks again as I’m helping her with her seatbelt.
‘Exactly,’ Granny mutters, her face like a thundercloud.
My stomach is in knots. Hurry up with the drinks trolley. ‘He’s, he’s an old family friend.’
‘Right,’ Granny tuts, now opening the British Airways magazine and flicking through the pages.
‘Why he coming?’ Isla looks at me with those large innocent eyes.
Keep your voice calm. ‘Well, you know we’re seeing a nice doctor.’
‘Going on big holiday to fix my leggies,’ she says, swinging them up and down.
‘That’s right. Well, Dan wants to be with us.’
‘Why?’
Granny unbuckles her belt saying she needs the loo. I daren’t turn around to see if she’s going to talk to Dan, only six rows behind us, to ask him exactly the same question.
An hour into the flight, Granny remains quiet. I understand her disbelief and anger at Dan’s intrusion. Of course, she doesn’t want him here; this trip, as frightening as it is, was something intimate that only the three of us were going to share. ‘Granny,’ I whisper.
‘Um.’
‘I can’t believe he’s here either, but whatever we feel about Dan…’
She stiffens at the sound of his name.
‘This is about Isla.’
‘I know.’ She stares ahead.
Clearly Granny doesn’t trust Dan or his intentions, and neither do I.
Two hours into the flight I’m still thinking about him. What was I thinking allowing him back in so easily? He doesn’t deserve to be a part of his daughter’s life. I think back to all those hospital appointments and scans. Dan’s absence had been a thorn in my side. Looking round flats and houses, fielding awkward questions from the estate agent about my growing bump and would my partner join us to view the property? The mothers at Isla’s nursery asking me what my husband did and the nurses enquiring if I had support. Getting up in the early hours of the morning to see to Isla and not being able to get back to sleep, all my fears and concerns for the future haunting me, my state of mind as black as the night sky. I know we were both young, it might not have worked out between us, but it was his inability to see it from any other side but his own.
I unbuckle my belt, unfortunately needing the loo. I glance behind me, noting there is no queue. Quickly I walk down the aisle, making sure to avoid eye contact with Dan, but my attempt to ignore him is in vain. ‘Jan.’ He hops up from his seat and follows me. ‘Wait!’ He pulls me back. ‘Listen, I know you don’t want me here, and nor does your grandmother.’
‘Too right.’
‘I don’t blame you, but try to understand.’
‘Dan, this isn’t going to work,’ I say, staring at the occupied sign on the loo door, willing whoever it is inside to hurry up.
‘I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but—’
I turn to him. ‘Why now? Why do you care?’ The door to the loo unlocks and a young woman emerges from the cubicle. Distracted, Dan allows her past.
