‘You didn’t tell me!’
Rage now courses through my veins. ‘You disappeared!You made your views very clear.’
Dan repeats, as if in shock, ‘You didn’t tell me. You should have told me.’
‘How exactly? I tried to track you down.’
‘Well, you didn’t try hard enough! We have a child!’
I back away from him, aware people on the platform are staring, but I don’t care anymore. ‘What would you have done? Changed your plans and become the doting father?’
‘I thought you’d dealt with it,’ he murmurs.
‘That’s what you wanted me to do. Where did you go?’
‘New York,’ he says, his skin reddening. ‘I won a place on this journalism course. I’ve just got back.’ He stops.
‘You were going to tell me that night, weren’t you?’
‘I was going to ask you to come with me.’
‘But then I broke the news and ruined it all.’
He glances at Isla. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry! Onefuckinglousy sorry? Actually, I didn’t ruin it, because you went anyway. You made your choice and just hoped I wouldn’t go ahead so you wouldn’t feel guilty.’
When the train approaches Dan stands in front of me, helpless. To think I have imagined this moment so many times; how I have longed to make him pay for his weakness.
‘Choosing to keep Isla was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but I had her. The only thing I regret is I had her with you.’
‘Mummy?’ Isla is trying to turn to me. ‘Who?’ She’s pointing to Dan. ‘Funny man.’
He runs a hand through his hair, despair in his eyes. ‘January, whatever has happened between us – no, don’t get on – wait,’ he urges, pulling me back. ‘Can we talk, can we… I was young, I didn’t deal with it well, but I am her father.’
‘A father who wasn’t there at her birth, who didn’t see her first smile or watch as she struggled to walk,’ I say, registering him looking at Isla’s walker frame. ‘A father who was living it up in New York on the day I was told Isla had cerebral palsy! I tried to track you down many times. I thought her father should know.’
Dan looks at Isla and back to me. ‘She has cerebral—’
‘You’re nothing but a selfish bastard, Dan. Isla doesn’t need you and nor do I.’ Desperate and fighting for breath, I watch the Ealing Broadway train leave.
‘Mummy,’ Isla says, clearly picking up on my anxiety.
‘I can’t believe this,’ Dan is saying, looking as if he’s been punched in the stomach. ‘I can’t believe it.’
‘Well, believe it and then go back to your old life.’
‘Can’t we meet up, talk about this when we’re alone?’ Dan says quietly, gesturing to Isla. ‘How about tomorrow?’
I shake my head, determined to get on to the next train.
‘The day after tomorrow?’
‘No.’
‘January, please, you owe me— ’
Anger flares in my chest again. ‘I owe you nothing.’
