‘No need to look so sad, Dr Stratton, ’cos it got him back with his wife and kids. His wife realised how much she loved him, and he loved her, so a happy ending for everyone, right Holly?’
I look down at my hands, trying not to give anything away. My happy ending is nowhere in sight.
‘The only thing is we don’t get to see him so much, but I understand.’ Laurie shrugs. ‘We went to the cinema the other night though. Holly couldn’t make it. After the film we had a pizza. A veggie one. Healthy.’
Dr Stratton holds back a smile. I wonder if she’s used to her patients sharing all the gossip. It also makes me realise that when Laurie feels safe in front of people, nothing shuts her up. Though I don’t sense Dr Stratton minds. I think she’s encouraged by how much has changed for Laurie in the last six months. During our previous appointment, Laurie was adamant she was never going to quit smoking. ‘Everyone smokes at the shelter,’ she’d insisted, ‘even the staff. It’s social to have a smoke in the garden, and it helps my anxiety.’ Dr Stratton hadn’t pushed it, since it was clear Laurie was making significant changes to her diet alongside exercising with Angel, Angus and me. Plus, she was having counselling at the night-shelter, art therapy. Laurie had told me she wasn’t comfortable sitting in a chair staring into space, with too many silences. She felt more relaxed drawing. Instead, Dr Stratton had suggested Laurie try slowly to reduce smoking, since the health benefits would be huge. ‘And think of the money you’d save,’ Angus had chipped in.
‘I could go to Hawaii,’ Laurie had suggested.
‘Exactly, wearing your little grass skirt sipping your virgin cocktail on the beach,’ Angus replied.
‘One day,’ the three of us had said together, much to the bemusement of Dr Stratton, before Laurie had said, ‘I’d still rather smoke than go to Hawaii.’
Dr Stratton makes a note that Laurie has given up smoking. ‘It’s one of the best things you can do for your health, but I know it can be hard, so if you need any support down the line, do let me know.’
Laurie shakes her head. ‘Nah. I don’t need support. I’m like Angus, an all-or-nothing guy. What would help is if Ian stopped.’
If Angus were here, he’d be sure to say something like, ‘Suggest no hanky-panky unless he quits.’
Dr Stratton empathises. ‘That must be tempting when he smokes in front of you. But keep up the good work. And how’s the back pain?’
She nods. ‘Better. Holly and I still go to Angel’s classes, Angus can’t join in now ’cos he’s working. She makes me do all these boring stretches, but they do help. It actually feels good when I don’t have to stop to breathe or rub my back all the time. Sometimes I even forget about the pain. It’s my birthday soon, gonna be twenty, and I’m not looking forward to that, but other than that, it’s all good, Dr Stratton.’
What Laurie doesn’t confide to Dr Stratton is something she told me a few days ago, at the café, when I’d asked if she’d like any clothes for her upcoming birthday, this coming weekend, on Saturday. ‘Maybe a nice dress or something?’ I’d dared to ask. I’m longing for her to stop hiding behind her baggy tops and tracksuits. I don’t think Laurie ever looks in a mirror. ‘When I feel better ’bout myself, Holly, I might wear a dress, but it’s a long way off. Maybe five years. I’m not putting a time on it.’
I understood, and besides, why should she change? Why should she dress to look pretty and conform? While I felt sad that Laurie remained so threatened by the thought of being ‘seen’, especially by men, at the same time I was relieved she could tell me how she felt. ‘Maybe at some point I won’t have to think about what’s safe and not safe,’ she’d continued, ‘but not yet. Buy me a bar of soap or something.’
‘Or some veggie straws,’ I’d suggested, making us both laugh.
What Laurie does admit to Dr Stratton is that she still sneak-eats when she’s anxious, about once a week, but she’s keeping her food diary, and her favourite meal now is boiled chicken with sweetcorn, carrots and garden peas. ‘The only thing I won’t eat is lettuce, makes me feel like a rabbit.’
Dr Stratton and I smile at that.
‘And I have to be in the mood to eat celery. It’s like string. It needs a nice creamy dip.’
Dr Stratton couldn’t agree more. ‘Yes, a nice hummus wouldn’t go amiss. Well, it sounds like you’re going in the right direction, Laurie. There are no quick fixes, and giving up smoking takes a lot of determination, which you have in spades, but please don’t forget there is support if you need it. Right, is there anything else we need to discuss today?’
Laurie crosses her arms. ‘Nope, don’t think so.’
‘Why don’t we book you in for another appointment in about six months? I’d like to keep an eye on you.’
I suspect Dr Stratton can’t do this for all her patients. I sense she’s taken Laurie to heart, and I love her for it.
‘Keep up the good work,’ Dr Stratton says again before exchanging a brief look my way, as if to say keep up the good work too. She stands up and opens the door, but she’s not quite ready for us to leave yet. ‘Laurie, if we’re ever in a position for you to come back and talk to other patients, would you consider it?’
‘Me?’
‘Yes, you. I think you’d inspire a lot of people.’
She nods. ‘All right then. Why not.’
Again, I wish Angus were here to see us all smiling. It still feels wrong without him, as if the centrepiece of the jigsaw puzzle is missing.
33
Laurie and I have been busy since ten this morning making strawberry fool, vanilla-flavoured shortbread, meringues and a passionfruit pavlova. Scottie, Monika and a couple of his prep chefs have made enough coronation chicken to feed the entire borough of Hammersmith and Fulham, along with a couple of trays of rice and potato salad. Scottie is also making his homemade burgers, especially for Laurie, with fresh herbs and onion. The smell is making me ravenous.
‘Feeling any older and wiser?’ I ask Laurie as I spoon meringue mixture on to the baking trays and Laurie makes a passionfruit syrup for our pavlova, and for anyone who wants strawberries with a sauce. I’ve come to realise what a good cook Laurie is now. The syrup was her idea, as was the shortbread. No longer do I have to tell her what to do. She comes up with her own ideas and teaches me new recipes.
