‘We’re training together. I’m having fun!’
‘But what if he gets back with his wife?’
‘I’ll be happy for him. I don’t want to break up his family. I’m helping him get back with them,’ I insist.
‘Great, so he’ll go back to his family and then what?’
‘We’ll stay in touch.’ As I say it, I’m not sure I believe it.
Milla doesn’t look convinced either.
‘For the first time in months I’m happy, Milla.’
‘I know and it’s wonderful.’
‘Angus has quit drinking, he’s getting his life back on track, and Laurie is much more confident.’
‘Exactly. You’re solving all their problems, but what about you? What’s in it for you?’
‘You don’t get it, do you? What’s in it for me?’ I repeat, unsure why I suddenly feel so angered by this question. ‘I’m going out more, I’m cooking again, I’ve lost weight,’ I say, noticing my jeans feel much more friendly these days.
‘I know, and you look great.’
‘I love Laurie, and I’m hanging out with this amazing guy.’
‘Who’s married.’
‘Well, technically separated.’
‘So you do like him?’
‘No,’ I stress again, though fear every time I say it, I believe it less. ‘Yes. Maybe.’ When I clock Milla’s face clouding over with concern, I exclaim, ‘I don’t know! But even if I did, would that be so bad? You were the one who loved the sound of Angus, who—’
‘Yes, but I didn’t know the full story back then.’ She stops. Runs a hand through her hair. ‘I’m scared you’ll get hurt.’
‘Getting hurt is better than feeling nothing.’
‘What do you mean?’
I look up at her, surprised at what I’ve just said. ‘Since Jamie died, I’ve felt numb.’
‘I know.’
I stand up, ready to leave. ‘No, you don’t know. You couldn’t possibly know. How could you?’ In that moment, I hate myself for being jealous, but I am. I feel jealous that Dave will be coming home in a minute, and will keep her bed warm tonight. Jealous that she has two beautiful girls in the room next door, a family I never had. I feel jealous that the world she lives in feels a million miles apart from mine right now, and that there is no bridge to bring us even close. ‘You have no idea, Milla.’
‘Sorry, don’t go Holly, forget I said anything.’
But I can’t. ‘What do I get from being friends with Laurie and Angus?’ I picture Laurie’s stunned face when Angus and I had told her about our meeting with Mo, and how we’d like to drive her to West Bay. I hear Angel clapping during our last session in the park, when Laurie managed a whole training circuit in record time. Whenever I’m feeling low, all I have to do is recall Angus and Tom singing Frank Sinatra as they lay the tables. I feel the pain of hearing what Laurie has endured. I feel hope that one day she might move out of the night-shelter and find her ‘forever home’ with someone who will love her, unconditionally. I picture Angus’s face as he dropped me back home, after our visit to Mo and Sheila. He’d turned off the car engine and swung round to face me. ‘Do you have a mother called Maureen?’ he’d asked, a smile creeping on to his face when I replied, ‘What do you think?’
We’d stayed in the car talking, and planning our trip with Laurie. I was tempted to ask him inside for a coffee, but lost my nerve.What do I get from being friends with Laurie and Angus?
‘I get to feel something,’ I tell Milla tearfully, unsure now if I’m grieving purely for Jamie, as she takes me into her arms, and holds me.
21
‘Benjie, how are you?’ Angus asks, as we follow signs for the M3 South. He’s talking to his son on the speakerphone as he drives Lauren and me to Pat’s nursing home in Dorset. Lauren sits in the front, I’m in the back. It’s a three-hour journey from London, we should be there by two in the afternoon.
‘Not good, Dad.’
