‘Me too,’ Lauren agrees. ‘Ian keeps on hinting, but I’d rather knit than have sex.’
Unperturbed by the three of us, Angel continues, ‘Just you wait guys. I can see, by the way a client walks into my class and places their mat at the front, instead of hiding at the back, that they feel more confident. For me, my “why” is I don’t want to go back to the person I was, crippled by anxiety, who used to cry in shops for no reason, and have panic attacks at night.’
Lauren nods, as if she can relate on some level.
‘I still have dips,’ Angel continues, ‘but remembering my reason to exercise helps me get through them.’ She stops and waits for one of us to revise our reasons but instead there is a deathly silence.
Angus is the first to break it. ‘I can’t remember the last time I woke up and felt…’ He tries to think of the right word. ‘Felt good about myself,’ he admits, and I catch the look of surprise on Lauren’s face, as if it’s hard for her to imagine someone like Angus feeling bad about himself.
‘Are you saying you want to feel more like your old self maybe?’ Angel asks.
‘God no, I don’t want to go back to an old version of me,’ he says, as if that idea is abhorrent. ‘I want to be a better person, a better father.’ Angus explains to Angel he is separated. ‘At times I was so impatient with my kids, I was knackered all the time, I wasn’t nice to be around,’ he reflects. ‘Yeah, I want to clean up my act and be a kinder person. I want to stop hurting everyone around me.’
‘You’re getting it now. That’s a strong why, Angus,’ Angel says.
‘I don’t want my anxiety no more,’ Lauren follows, tapping her foot up and down, up and down. ‘Or my back pain. I’d like to sleep better and stop hearing voices in my head.’
‘What do the voices say?’ Angel asks.
‘You can’t do this, stay in bed, stay indoors, you’re not worth anything, you don’t deserve friends. That’s what they said to me this morning.’
‘Oh Lauren. But you did, you got up, you’re here, with us, now. You’ve done so well already. I’m wondering, what helps you deal with these voices, what relieves your anxiety?’
‘Chocolate.’ She laughs. ‘And fizzy drinks. Sugar makes me more hyperactive so the voices quieten down, they kind of go to the back of my head.’
‘It sounds like exercise could be a good way to reduce your anxiety, as well as help your back pain, maybe even help quieten the voices too?’
Lauren nods. ‘When I was homeless, I didn’t walk anywhere. Didn’t want to lose my spot or leave behind my blanket and tent, ’cos it would only get nicked. I sat in my spot pretty much all day long, smoking and eating to keep warm. And covering up, ’cos I didn’t want attention. Didn’t like myself. Still don’t,’ she says, avoiding eye contact with all of us.
‘And it hurts, right?’ says Angel, visibly moved. ‘We want you to walk down the street with your head held up high, right?’
‘I want to walk without having to stop so much,’ Lauren states. ‘Without having to catch my breath.’
‘We can definitely work on that, Lauren. I want you to feel proud of who you are, and what you’ve been through. Anything can happen once you feel more comfortable in your own skin, take it from me.’
And the thing is, we can.
‘I’m lonely,’ I say, thinking it’s about time I showed Angus and Lauren the part of me I’ve tried to hide. ‘I miss Jamie so much but if I spend another weekend at home, alone, I’ll go insane.’ Lauren looks at me as if I’ve said I’m slowly dying, as if I couldn’t possibly be lonely like her, but then I guess she doesn’t know about Jamie, or the life I had before, or how most of my friends have moved out of London with their families, children I yearned for. She doesn’t know me at all.
‘I know I’m grieving. My therapist once told me it’s a process, it takes time, but I can’t help thinking there has to be more to life than this. Jamie wouldn’t want me to live like this. We made a deal. We sat here. At this table. We made a deal to start living again. And I’m failing. If it wasn’t for you two…’ Angus and Lauren don’t know what to say. Lauren hands me her paper napkin. ‘I don’t know if feeling lonely is a strong enough reason why, I mean exercise isn’t going to bring Jamie back, but—’
‘Exercise is a great way to fight loneliness, Holly,’ Angel says with such kindness, as if she truly understands. ‘The four of us get to hang out together, and being outdoors, even in the wind and the rain, being in nature combats loneliness,’ she says, as if she’s experienced the benefits herself. ‘I can’t imagine the grief, Holly, I haven’t lost someone I love. But I know what loneliness feels like. I miss my parents like mad. I only get to see them once a year, if I’m lucky.’ She stops, grabs one of the paper napkins and blows her nose. ‘I kind of wish I’d bought some tissues this morning guys. I’ve got to say, I’ve never trained a group like you before, and I mean that in a positive way,’ she hastens to add. ‘Sorry, ignore me.’ I hand her my clean napkin, and she wipes a few tears from her eyes. ‘Right, the rain’s stopped,’ she says, getting up from the table. ‘We’ve got about ten minutes left. Now we knowexactlywhy we want to do this, how about—’
‘I never want to put my son’s life at risk again,’ Angus interrupts, staying firmly seated.
Angel sits down again. Lauren and I wait for him to go on.
‘I haven’t been entirely honest with you,’ he says, aiming it mainly in my direction. ‘Benjie nearly died because of me. I nearly killed my son.’
15
‘How did it go?’ asks Harriet, when I arrive at the office.
How do I begin to tell her about this morning? We didn’t do any exercise. After Angus’s revelation, there was no time at the end, or inclination. Little did Angel know that her question would lead to a confessional. We should be paying her for therapy.
‘It was interesting,’ I say, taking a seat.
‘Did Lauren show up?’
