Prologue - Sutton
Ten Years Ago
I fidget with the blue and black leather bracelet wrapped around my wrist, absently twisting it with my fingers and letting my thumb trace the stitches as I try to focus on the textbook in my lap.
My twin Cayson gave it to me for our birthday last year to match the red one he wears every day. It’s not only a reminder of him and of home, but it helps ground me… most of the time, anyway.
This is the longest Case and I have been apart our entire lives. He’s at Berkeley studying Computer Science, while I’m here in Boston pursuing a dual degree in arts and science.
Unlike my twin, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. The way I see it, getting here on my own was the first step. Now I live in perpetual hope that something—anything—will inspire me toward a future career. Until then, I’m spreading my wings away from my parents and siblings.
A flicker of movement catches my eye. I glance across the quad, my gaze automatically searching for her. Just as I do, she steps out of the science building.
She’s not just any woman though. There’s nothing ‘just’ about her. She’s a gorgeous stranger, one who caught my eye a few months ago and who—from first look—I knew was spectacular both inside and out.
I haven’t met her or spoken a word to her. But I’ve watched her, mostly from a safe distance, keeping to the edges of the quad so I don’t seem obvious or intrusive. Maybe it’s not creepy—at least, I hope not. Maybe I’m just... hopeful.
There’s just something about her that fascinates me. It’s the same thing that triggers my anxiety and renders all of my usually effective coping mechanisms useless.
Take right now, for instance. I wasn’t sitting here waiting for her to appear.That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway…But now that she has, I can’t tear my eyes away.
Her thick, dark blonde waves with splatters of sun-kissed streaks bounce as she strolls toward two women seemingly waiting for her to arrive, her body language changing from polite to beaming as she chats animatedly with her friends.
Her personality and energy lights up the space around her, her aura exuding confidence, grace, strength, and a sense of calm. She seems like one of those people who listens to everyone, giving them her undivided attention, making them feel valued and seen. Someone who makes those around them feel important, respected, and heard.
She’d probably make a great psychiatrist. Or doctor. Any job that requires attention to detail, a friendly ear, as well as care and empathy.
Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing whether my instincts are true about the woman because she’s not in any of my classes. But I hope I’m right about her future endeavors. The world needs more people like her. Her kind green eyes–they’re so big and bright it’s hard to miss them–and friendly demeanor would make her a great physician. She’d undoubtedlyput patients at ease even under the worst of circumstances. The grumpy, the sad, the anxious, and definitely the resistant types.What am I saying? I have no way of knowing anything about her.
Nevertheless, she’s been my point of distraction for weeks now. A beautiful, golden-haired, gorgeous stranger who has no idea I even exist. I don’t even have a name to call her by.
I’ve thought about talking to her. OK, I’ve thought about whatcouldhappen if I had the confidence to at least approach her and introduce myself. I figure if I did that, it wouldn’t feel like I’m just a not-creepy secret admirer.
It’s not that I think she’d brush off a friendly introduction. She seems much too kind to do that. She just seems so different to me, not a giant ball of anxiety who can’t even stand up and walk across the grass to say hi to a pretty girl who fascinates him.
Then there’s the issue of what to say. Even if Icouldfind the courage to approach her, I’d probably stand there and freeze. I’d forget everything I wanted to say, and then I reallywouldcome across as a weirdo.
Glancing down quickly, I check my watch and realize that I have to get going to my next class. Which means even if I were to shoot my shot and talk to her today, I’ve run out of time.
But hey, there’s always tomorrow.
The problem is, when tomorrow comes, I stall again. And the next time. And over and over again, like Groundhog Day. Each moment Idon’tdo anything–orcan’t, as the case may be–becomes burned in my brain because the more I catch sight of her, the more I wish I werethe kind of man to put myself out there.
Unfortunately, time was not on my side. Soon enough, graduation came and went, and I left Boston for Timber Falls, Alaska, to spend one last Summer with my brothers and our grandfather at Cooper Ranch.
They all spent the summer buoying me up, boosting my confidence, and getting me to a place where I was ready to at leasttry. I even had a plan in place and everything. I would walk by, stop, compliment her, introduce myself, and then casually–hopefully–ask her out for a coffee sometime.
Whatever her answer–whatever happened–I was ready to let the cards fall where they may and put it in fate’s hands.
When September rolled around again, I arrived back in Boston with renewed determination. This was going to be the school year Ifinallytalked to my mysterious, radiant crush.
The problem is, I never got the chance because I never saw her again.
There wasonegood thing to come out of that whole experience. The inspiration I’d been looking for and a way for me to put my stamp on the world had been staring me in the face all along. I want to help people just like me, and make sure no one else would have chances pass them by—whether it be life, love, career opportunities, or friendships—because of their mental illness.
A few days later, I walked into Student Services and changed my enrolment to psychology.
The most ironic thing of all is that despite never getting to know what would’ve happened, I still held out hope that one day, I’d meet someone just like her. Someone who radiated goodness, who took my breath away without even realizing they were doing it. Someone who made me feel seen and heard and who’d be the owner of my heart and give me theirs in return.
