Cade
The Present
2:31 a.m.
My world felt thrown off its axis from Ella’s revelation.
Of all the things I expected her to say,thisI did not see coming.
My girlfriend had been pregnant.
I replayed prom night and how we snuck out of the venue after getting crowned prom king and queen. We spent the next few hours locked in a state of bliss, making love in a hotel room. I forgot condoms and Ella wanted us to fuck bare.
I pulled out every single time, but apparently not well enough…because Ella actually got pregnant with our baby.
And although pulling out wasn’t a foolproof method to prevent a pregnancy, I should have known better, despite both of us consenting to screw without protection.
I lost Ella weeks later, but she lost meandour baby. I knew we shouldn’t compare sufferings, but her loss was grander than mine. Only now was I coming to terms with the amount of trauma Ella harboured from the summer.
My heart broke again. This time, for my Ellie.
The one who always fought and cared for her loved ones like a fierce lioness. The one who wanted to grow old with me andstart a family.
She didn’t deserve this.
Suddenly, I understood the pure dolor Ella felt when she found me with that other girl. Suddenly, I understoodwhyshe shut me out. Ella was unable to see my face or listen to my voice when she was dealing with the aftermath of a miscarriage. On top of a boyfriend whom she thought cheated on her.
I forgave her for all of it.
Fuck, I forgave her even before I came to Initiation Night.
I once told her that she could break my heart a thousand times. It was the truth. It was hers to break, hers to mend, hers to love. Now and forever.
I used to think heartbreak was the most hurtful thing I had experienced. Not even Julius’s assault could compare to the pain of loving and losing my girlfriend. But as I pressed a hand against Ella’s head and heard her sniffle, I knew it was the realization that she miscarried and I wasn’t there to help her get through it.
That was the most hurtful thing.
Locked in an embrace, we lost sense of time and our surroundings. That’s usually what happened when we were in the same vicinity. The edges of the world blurred around us until our visions tunneled and we only saw each other.
Ella—the strongest, bravest, wildest girl—was all I ever saw.
Despite holding her in my arms, we still felt lightyears away.
The only thing left to do now was tell her my side of the story.
“Ella?” I exhaled slowly.
She lifted her head from my shoulder.
We were so close, our breaths mingled. I wanted to kiss her so bad. I was dying too.
Her tongue peeked out, wiping over her bottom lip. Leaving it slick and inviting. Resisting Ella was damn near impossible. Though I pushed aside those thoughts and concentrated on whatmattered most. Acknowledging her pain.
“Yes?”
“I’m truly so sorry,” I said again. “I wish things could have been different.”
“Me too.” She stepped away and without her warmth, I was back to feeling cold. Empty. “We should probably head out. I’m sure we lost the competition and it’s probably already three a.m.”
