With his throat tight, he managed to say, “Thank you, Jasiri,” leaving the silentI don’t deserve your generosityoff the end.
“Now that I’m king…” Jasiri seemed to change the subject without any transition to what this new train of thought might be. “I can see just how important it is for the sovereign to rule from a place of joy and reverence. I think you know what I’m talking about.”
Aléx knew exactly what Jasiri was referring to. He’d started out his reign that way. Even though his ascension had meant the loss of his beloved mother, he’d found a peace and appreciation that he could do as his mother had trained him and take care of their people in the wake of the loss of their queen.
But a handful of years later, that peace, that joy, had changed into something darker and more elusive. It was only his sense of loyalty to his mother, that understanding that he could not fail her, that made him climb out of his abyss and be a king to the people his mother loved.
“Aléx, just know I’m here.” The weight of Jasiri’s words sat on his chest like an immovable boulder, making him work for each scrap of air he managed to suck into his lungs. “When you’re ready to tear down this damned wall between us, when you’re ready to let me be there, I’ll be bulldozing it from the other side.”
“Jasiri, I—”
“No excuses or explanations. We are blood. In Nyeusi, that means something. I know it means something on Obsidian Island too.”
His tongue was heavy, and Aléx’s awkward ineptitude when it came to letting people get close to him made him retreat into his usual snark.
“Our bloodlines aren’t as intricately tied as you’d make it seem. We both know if we hadn’t married identical twins, any children we had could’ve been the next Obsidian/Nyeusian pairing in our combined royal lineages.”
Instead of cursing Aléx as he no doubt deserved, Jasiri laughed loud and full.
“Aw, you can try to be mean to me, but it won’t work. I’ve missed you all these years. I could definitely use the wisdom of a man whose governance over the last eight years has been aspirational. But more than that, I want my friend back.”
“You sure about that?” Aléx’s question might have been delivered with the hint of sarcasm he always seemed to exude when he was talking to Jasiri. “I was the one who distanced myself, first out of sheer jealousy, and later out of shame.”
“Jealousy,” Jasiri repeated, as if Aléx’s statement was an impossibility. “What could you have possibly envied me? We grew up the exact same. Two boys groomed from birth to lead their nations.”
“Except your father let you be a boy and then a man. You were raised to believe being king was only part of who you are. I was raised to understand it was an identity that I couldn’t escape. That’s what I envied, your ability to be you. Outside of being king, I’m not really certain who I am.”
Aléx stopped a minute, trying to consider if he should share his vulnerability with anyone. It was always a risk for a king to let down his guard in front of anyone. Doing so could be weaponized against him if he chose the wrong confidant.
“I thought I was beginning to figure that out when I learned about Charlie. But just like that, she, and any inkling of who I thought I could be, vanished.”
Aléx closed his fist around the edge of his strong oak desk, waiting for his insides to shatter the way they did the last time he’d tried to vocalize what that loss had felt like. After more than a beat, it didn’t come. Instead, there was a sliver of relief that seemed to break through the concrete slab that barricaded his feelings.
“You’re not just a king, Aléx.” Jasiri’s words eased into his consciousness as if the man were dealing with a scared animal. “You are a good man, even if you’re a bit obstinate at times. If you weren’t a good man, there’s no way Regina would’ve chosen you as her husband and the father of her future children. Your wife is, quite frankly, scary smart. There’s no way she didn’t calculate a million and one different outcomes before she agreed to marry you. In all her calculations, she concluded you were the one she wanted. The question is, when are you going to start believing that she made a good choice?”
He had certainly made a good choice. His wife was so patient with him, even when he was acting like a right bastard. Regina was turning out to be the source of peace and joy in his life. Maybe he could start to be the same for her.
“You said the first reason you’d distanced yourself from me was jealousy, and the second shame. How does shame factor into all of this?”
If admitting he was jealous of Jasiri’s allowed freedom was difficult, admitting his deep shame felt nearly impossible to Aléx. His habit of hiding himself from the world was still there, but somehow it didn’t seem to have as strong of a grip on him as it usually did.
“The night they died,” Aléx began slowly, “you saw me at my worst. I was broken and destroyed. My pride probably would’ve recovered if I’d been able to deal with their deaths in a healthy way. But the fact that I had a mental breakdown that had to be covered up by my father and sister made me feel less than. I was the king who had been strictly trained to put the crown first and never let my feelings impact my ability to rule. I thought poorly of you for the freedoms you indulged in. I thought you were the lesser king. But then my mind collapsed in on itself, and I could hardly breathe on my own, let alone rule. How could I face you knowing you saw me like that?”
Jasiri was so quiet, Aléx had to look at the screen of his phone to make sure the call wasn’t disconnected. He heard the loud sound of Jasiri taking in a breath before the man spoke again.
“You were my friend. No matter the fact that we hadn’t spoken in years at that point, it was my greatest honor that you chose to let yourself go in my presence. You did that because you knew I would understand and that I would protect you no matter what. There was no reason then or now for you to fear being vulnerable in front of me. Just as back then, all I want is to be there for you, Aléx. I didn’t want you to suffer alone. You chose that for yourself.”
The truth of Jasiri’s words smacked Aléx in the middle of the chest like a wrecking ball. They hollowed him out, making him look down for the pieces of his soul the force had fractured. Aléx was the reason for his own isolation. How could he have missed that all these years?
“Aléx, you decided to be alone. You don’t have to make that same choice now. You don’t have to do this work by yourself. Let your wife be your soft place to land as you put the past behind you. Tell her, Aléx, before it’s too late. Don’t let her find out from anyone else why you’re so lost and afraid and why you especially need her in this moment. She’s having your child. She deserves to know the truth.”
There was no disputing what Jasiri was saying. He did need to tell her. He just didn’t know if he could. Would there be anything left of him if he bared his soul to her? Could he relive that nightmare again? The truth was, he just didn’t know. The even greater truth was, he was afraid to find out.
Chapter Sixteen
Regina looked atthe door at the end of the corridor, wondering if today was the day. Aléx had left the island for business, and she knew there was no time like the present to do what she’d been aching to do.
She stepped into the corridor, looking back over her shoulder before she headed in the direction of that locked room her husband absconded to when he thought she was sleeping.
