The mere mention of her sister’s name pulled her back into the black hole that period of her life represented. Her chest tightened, and unshed tears burned her eyes.
“No, she wasn’t. Dru was a selfish, self-centered train wreck who did everything in her power to ruin me and her, and I had no choice but to sit by and watch her wreak havoc on both our lives.”
Her throat felt tight, regret weighing heavy on her chest.I’m so tired of carrying this, so tired of trying to pretend I’m someone I’m not.She closed her eyes, resolving it was finally time to come clean. She pressed her lids as tightly as she could, trying to dam the river of tears behind them. But just like always, her strength wasn’t enough to fight her guilt.It’s time, Aja.She blew out a steadying breath while the hot stream of tears scorched her skin as they descended her face. “Dru loved trouble. And as a result, it meant she and our mom butted heads all the time. Mama was a country girl, and the only way she knew how to keep us on the straight and narrow was to be strict. The boundaries she set worked for me. But for Dru, they only seemed to encourage her mischief more.
“She’d get in trouble, Mama would lose it, and I would get caught in the middle as the mediator. And sometimes, when I just didn’t feel like being put in the middle, I’d cover for Dru so Mama wouldn’t know what she was up to. After a while, I was lying for her all the time. She was my sister. I was supposed to keep her secrets. How could I tell on her? But then Dru fell in with the wrong crowd and ended up in juvie.
“When she came home, I hoped being put away had scared her straight. But it didn’t. She did more and more stupid stuff and expected me to have her back every time. And just like she knew I would, I did.”
She wiped the fresh stream of tears that came and moved away from Shadow’s stall. Animals could sense pain, and if she kept going, Shadow would probably kick his stall door down to get to her.
“Things got worse between her and mama too. She even accused me of kissing up to our mother so she always looked bad in Mama’s eyes. I did everything to get her to understand how foolish she was being, but nothing worked. No matter what I did, even when I was covering for her—and especially as I accomplished my academic goals or graduated from law school—she seemed to hate me more.
“I tried to support her, to encourage her. Especially once our mother died. I’d pay for her to sign up for courses, and she’d take the money and use it on something else. I’d set her up with a job, but she’d never show up. Nothing I said or did could get her to clean up her act. Even though she was an adult by then, she still found the wrong people to be around, still wound up doing shit she had no business doing, and just like before, she wound up in serious trouble. This time, she landed herself in Rikers for four years. And when she came out doing the same shit all over again, I finally washed my hands. I couldn’t risk my career to keep trying to save someone that didn’t want to be saved.”
She began to pace, hoping the back-and-forth motion would somehow push down the panic of all those years that was trying to climb through her chest and into the moment they were sharing.
Her tears started falling faster as the memory of what came next climbed toward the front of her mind. Seeing her distress, Jackson moved closer to her, standing in her path so she couldn’t pace anymore. Once she stopped, he lifted the pad of his thumb and wiped away her tears.
“What happened, Aja?”
She swallowed, but the grief was choking her, making it hard to talk.If you’ve come this far, you need to go ahead and finish it. Tell the truth and shame the devil.
“One day, it all came to a head. She got picked up for smoking weed in a park. Thinking back on it, it was something so petty, so small, it wouldn’t have taken much to get her out of trouble. But I was in the middle of dealing with a VIP client at the firm. If I left, I would’ve lost millions for my firm. I couldn’t leave. So when she called, I told her she’d have to wait. That my career was literally on the line. She didn’t want to hear that. It was a Friday, and she didn’t want to get stuck in lockup over the weekend.
“She was being so unreasonable and selfish, and she refused to cut me any slack. So to appease her, I told her I was coming, when I knew wasn’t.
“The next day as I prepared to go see her, I got a call from the holding facility saying there’d been an altercation with another detainee, and the result was my sister was dead. It happened two hours before that call. If I’d gotten her out the night before, she would still be alive.”
Jackson’s hands moved down her shoulders until they were around her waist, pulling her into his warmth and safety. But the guilt was stronger tonight, yelling she wasn’t worthy of his comfort. It refused to let her focus on the steady security of his grip. It crowded her thoughts and her heart until she could hardly hear anything but the gloomy, persistent voice inside her head.
“Baby, I wish you would’ve told me this. Not that you owed it to me. I can’t believe you’ve walked around carrying this for so long by yourself.”
“Jackson, you were an unexpected tornado that blew into my life. I was resistant when you arrived, but once you were here, I was so glad.”
She turned in his arms, looking up at him, her heart slicing into a million tiny pieces when she witnessed the familiar swell of confusion and despair in his eyes she’d witnessed in so many others over the years.
“You were the first person in a long time who didn’t look at me with a mix of pity and disgust. My aunt and uncle love me, but sometimes I can see the weight of loss in their eyes and it kills me. Seneca and Brooklyn always seem to look at me as though I’m broken. As if they can always tell when my guilt is riding high and my sister is haunting my dreams. You didn’t look at me like that. And a small, selfish part of me latched onto that and didn’t want to let it go.
“I wanted to be someone you desired and respected, not the woman with the tragic past you have to handle with kid gloves.”
He shook his head. “I never would have treated you that way. This never would have changed things between us.”
She could tell by the way he squeezed her tighter to him, he wanted to believe that. She wanted to lean her head against his chest and believe it too. But the truth was out there now, and neither of them could pretend it hadn’t been spoken.
“You are a good man, Jackson. The best I’ve ever met. You can tolerate a lot of things, but lying isn’t one of them. A lie of omission is still a lie. The lawman in you can never look beyond the fact I chose pettiness and professional advancement over family, and it cost Dru her life. I didn’t want you to know anything for all the reasons I stated, and this one most of all. I didn’t want to fall from the pedestal you placed me on. It felt good for someone to believe in how good I could be, even when I knew guilt sullied my past. Now, it’s all ruined because you had to go digging into my yesterdays. I hope it was worth it.”
* * *
Jackson stood in the middle of the stables, unsure what had just happened. He knew it was something bad, but he hadn’t been prepared for it. Even worse, he hadn’t been prepared to stop it.
He stood there combing through every moment of their interactions together. Everything she ever said to him focused on comfort and making it through struggles without losing your hold on life. He thought she was talking about hypothetical, metaphorical situations. It never occurred to him she’d been talking about herself.
“Dammit, how has she carried this all this time?”
It was the thought of her towing this trough of emotional baggage that spurred him into action. She’d left him inside the barn, but to him, her exit felt far more permanent than he ever wanted it to be.
He might be an uptight asshole, but he wasn’t stupid enough to let the best woman he’d ever known walk out on him without making the slightest attempt to fight for her or what they shared.
