But with them all in bed, and the silence of the apartment encroaching, it never failed to put me on edge.
That was the double-edged sword of motherhood, I’d found. You fucking craved silence but never truly trusted it.And the more kids I had, the deeper my anxiety grew.
Not just because I was terrified I was fucking up, but because I wanted to make sure they had the best childhoods I could give them.
It was enough to trigger an anxiety attack, so like the smart woman I could sometimes be, I took the break as it came and went looking for my personal Valium once I’d finished bedtime with Benji.
Having figured he’d be working, I’d scoped out our office first, but he was standing against the wall of windows in our bedroom, a tumbler of whiskey in his hand as he stared at the skyline ahead.
Winter had come to NYC in all its glory. Snow tumbled in soft eddies at the moment, but earlier, visibility had been a nightmare. From this height, I could see white stuff doused Central Park, and I didn’t even want to think about how cold it was.
A whole-body shiver rattled loose of its own volition as I stepped beside him. My lips curved when his free arm lifted and he automatically looped it around my shoulders.
It was easier to read his expression in our reflection, so I just rested my head against his side and stood there, enjoying the harsh contrast of the miserable night beyond with a warm and cozy one in here.
Still, my mind raced.
I knew Aurora De Laurentiis ran some kind of shelter, and I made a mental note to donate because nobody should be outside inthis.
“You did a great job with her.”
I glanced at him. “She did it herself.”
“Nah.”
“Yes.”
“Naaaah.”
I grinned but found myself quietly proud of his compliment. “Your ma thinks she’s a nightmare.”
“That’s because she’s a round peg and Ma’s all square holes.”
“Your poor father.”
“Don’t even go there!”
“You laughed first!”
“It was instinctual!”
“Well, don’t blame me.”
His snicker warmed my heart, especially because I felt the release of tension in him. My teasing had loosened him up. Something a kiss to the crown of my head only confirmed.
“I can see the cogs working from here.”
“Huh?” He peered down at me. “Oh, nothing.”
Hmmm.
“It’d be great optics.” I helped him along.
“What would?”
I quirked a knowing brow.
His smile was sheepish. “I thought about couching it as a tax break.”
