But in my mind, a darker nightmare rises. One that had never taken root in my mind before, only provoked into existence with my sister’s manic words.
It could have been Kirill.
It could have been him.
Not in the same scenario as my father, but in any of the countless violent ways he risks himself every day. TheBratvaisn’t exactly on good terms with other organizations. There are plenty of people out there that would love nothing more than to wipe them out entirely.
My eyes flick to Mina, and suddenly I picture one of her cousins—Remus, or Rolo—driving a blade straight into Kirill’s heart.
A cold terror grips me.
Stronger than anything I’ve ever felt.
I pull Anna close, needing the anchor so I don’t fall out of my chair.
It could have been Kirill.
He could be the one lying in a hospital bed right now, at death’s door instead of my father.
And guilt crashes over me so hard it steals my breath.
Because while my dad is in surgery, while the man who raised me, who taught me to tie my shoes, who tucked me and Anna into bed every night, is fighting for his life, all I can think about is Kirill’s lifeless corpse at my feet.
All I can see is him bleeding out before me.
All I can feel is that helpless terror of watching the light in his eyes being permanently snuffed out.
It’s paralyzing.
Suffocating.
It’s death’s tormenting, ice-cold hands squeezing my heart to pulp.
“Stella?” Anna’s voice trembles, her own tears spilling. But when she sees my face and how ghostly pale I’ve gone, her eyes flare into a new panic. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she rushes to apologize, clutching me tighter, desperate to erase whatever terror she just unleashed inside me.
But the damage is already done.
I see it now.
I see everything now.
All this time, I was terrified to love him because I thought I would lose myself in it. Lose my identity. But there was always a far crueler way to destroy me.
If Kirill died, I would cease to exist.
If Kirill met his death, I would follow soon after.
If anyone took him from me, I would hunt every last one of them down before I met their same fate.
Here I was afraid of losing myself to love, when the real danger was always living without it.
Without him.
I don’t sleep the rest of the night.
I close my eyes, but I don’t sleep.
Every time I blink, I see Kirill’s dead hands on my cheeks.
