“I’m sorry, what got you in such a man-huff earlier?”
I huff before I realize I’ve just proven her point. She grins with the spoon in her mouth.
“I thought I saw someone, and it threw me off, that’s all.”
She frowns, knowing there’s more to it than that. Something moves across her face, but I can’t pick up what it is before she looks away and continues to eat. “You wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head. “No, it was nothing, just my imagination running away with me.”
“Okay.” She doesn’t say anything else while she finishes eating, but the atmosphere doesn’t feel as light as it did before.
“You wanna talk about before?”
Her head whips up, her eyes wide with worry.
“About Mom and Dad…” I add when she seems stumped. She visibly relaxes before shaking her head.
“There’s no point. We’ve reached a stalemate, one I’m not sure either of us will back down on. I’m not asking you to take my side, Banner. I’m just asking you not to take theirs.”
I sigh and lean back. “You want me to stay neutral in all this.”
“Exactly. You can be my Switzerland. It’s hard enough when they throw Alec into the mix because it’s impossible to fight with ghosts. But when they bring you in…” She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. “They have this uncanny ability to make me feel like a failure. Worse, they make me feel like they would trade me with Alec in a heartbeat,” she whispers.
I’m out of my chair and crouched down next to hers a heartbeat later. “Nobody wants that. I certainly don’t. I fucking love you. Yeah, I miss my brother, but I’d never trade you for him. Myself, maybe, but never you.”
She reaches over and hugs me tightly. “I would never trade you either. I love you, you big idiot.”
I grin and kiss her temple before getting to my feet. “Alright, let me clean this shit up, then we can watch a movie. You heading back to Mom and Dad’s tonight, or do you wanna crash here?”
“Can I stay? I need a break from them. It’s… a lot.”
“I get it. And you don’t even have to ask. I gave you a room here. Use it whenever you want.”
“Thanks, Banner.”
“Don’t mention it. Go stick some PJs on or raid my sweats drawer if you want, then pick a movie. I’ll make popcorn while I’m washing up.”
“Sounds good.”
I flip off the TV and reach down to scoop Katy into my arms. She fell asleep fifteen minutes into the movie, but she looked so peaceful, I didn’t have the heart to wake her. I carry her up to her room and nudge the door open with my foot before carrying her over to the bed. I lay her down and tug the comforter over her before I take a step back and glance around.
There isn’t much here that makes it Katy’s room, even though I told her to do what she wants with it. She has a couple of books on the desk, one about a dragon or something, and one a book about the army. I pick it up and leaf through the pages, feeling a pang in my chest before I put it back. Draped over the mirror is a butterfly pendant. I rub my thumb over it before swallowing, remembering who bought it for her.
It was the Christmas after Katy turned eleven. Katy was coming out of the toy stage and moving into a more teenage era, one that my parents pretended wasn’t happening. They bought her some toys, dolls, and a party dress or two. I remember seeing her smile in gratitude, but I could see she was disappointed until she opened Sorrow’s gift—a G.I. Jo. Katy looked genuinely happy, and I wondered why she liked that doll better than the Barbies before remembering the G.I. Jo had been on her wish list. My parents sighed, figuring it was because she loved me,and it made her feel closer to me when I was overseas. But now I wonder if she knew, even back then, that she wanted to follow in my footsteps instead of theirs. The second gift from Sorrow was the pendant. She winked at Katy, who had the necklace in one hand and the G.I. Jo in the other.
“Girls can be both strong and delicate, brave and vulnerable.” She told Katy there was nothing she couldn’t be, even though Alec and I tended to baby her.
I move away from the pendant and the memories attached to it. I might hate Sorrow for what she did to Alec, but it wasn’t always hate I felt toward her. I’m not talking about when I started to see her more as a woman than a girl. She was family before she destroyed it. Katy was the only one who didn’t outright hate her after what happened, and that’s because the girl just can’t hate anyone. I think she was too young to understand the connotations. In her head, it was a freak accident. She didn’t know Sorrow was drunk that night and had no business driving out in that storm.
I shake my head to clear away the dark thoughts, take in the beige walls and plain furniture, and make a mental note to take Katy shopping so we can add some color to the place so it matches her personality. As I turn, I see the photo on the bedside table.
I pick it up and smile when I see it’s one of me and Katy. She’s on my back, both of us making a goofy face for the camera. I remember when it was taken, a couple of months before I was deployed. We’d all gathered for a Fourth of July BBQ, and Sorrow had snapped a bunch of photos of us all. The only reason I remember is that we made a big deal about her not being in any of them. In the end, my dad set a timer and crammed us all in together to take a group photo.
I pull out my wallet, slip my fingers into the note section, and pull out the worn photo, unfolding it so I can see all of ourlaughing faces. My eyes zero in on Sorrow, my arm wrapped around her shoulder as she gazed up at me with stars in her eyes. I wasn’t oblivious to the crush she had on me. It’s why I left. It would have been so much harder to stay away, knowing she wanted me too. I think some misguided part of me thought I’d go see the world, and when I came back, she’d be of age and waiting for me with open arms. Instead, she ended up in Alec’s arms.
I place the photo back, unable to look at it any longer. I’d tried to throw it away a million times, but something always stopped me. Hell, I’ve taken a pair of scissors to it, ready to cut her out. She’s at the edge of the photo and it would be an easy fix. And yet, she’s still there, wrapped in my arms, staring at me.
I’m clearly a masochist, keeping a moment that shows how happy we were before she broke us. Maybe I need it to hurt so I never forget that pain can come from everywhere, not just monsters or villains, but pretty girls with innocent eyes and heartbreak written all over them.
