Havoc’s voice cuts Probe off and saves me from answering. “I’m calling church. You have five minutes.”
I look over at him and frown. Jesus, the guy looks wrecked. I start to get up, but Probe stops me. “Just give him a minute, Midas. He’ll explain everything in church.”
“You know what’s going on? Tink said something about Lola.” I don’t say anything more, just in case it was supposed to be kept between us.
“He wasn’t exactly quiet when he tore the place apart. So those of us here got the gist. Everyone else showed up after, like you. Now, back to the question. Where’ve you been?”
His expression dares me to lie. “Lil had some trouble with someone following her, you know that. We talked about it in church. I’ve just been making sure Legs hasn’t been having any issues.”
He shakes his head. “And is she? Having issues, I mean?”
“No, that I can tell. But I don’t like where she’s living. That side of town’s crawling with dealers. The apartments walls are paper-thin, the elevator’s busted, and a few of the streetlights are out. It’s not a safe place for a woman living on her own.”
“No worse than living with a bunch of horny bikers,” he says. My hands ball into fists just as Hoops walks over with my beer. I take it from him and nod my thanks.
“Nobody here would lay a finger on her.”
“That’s not always true, though, is it? Besides, there’s more than one way to hurt a woman.”
My mouth snaps shut as I recall the ugly scene that went down here with us. I know I hurt her. I wanted to. I wanted her to feel a fraction of what I was feeling.
“I’m not blowing smoke up your ass here, Midas. You get to feel however the fuck you want, but you can’t have it both ways. You wouldn’t make her an old lady because she came in as a club girl. You acted possessive as fuck with her, then punished her when she was with one of the other guys by fucking someone else, making a statement so she always knew where she stood.”
“You saying I should have stayed celibate while she fucked everyone with a cut?” I snarl.
He snarls right back. “The only person who could have changed the dynamic was you. If you had given her your patch, you could have stopped every other brother from touching her. She had zero power here. You had it all, yet you made her payfor your choices again and again. Bet it’s awfully lonely in that glasshouse right now, huh?”
I drink the beer in one, slamming it down on the table in front of us. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“No, Midas. It’s you who has no fucking clue. That girl loved you. She’d have done anything for you, did do anything for you, and what did you do for her?”
“I gave her a job?—”
“You gave her a leash so she couldn’t stray too far. You pulled her close just to push her away. I’m honestly surprised she stayed here as long as she did. I’ve watched you slowly grind that woman’s heart to dust, and you’ve shown zero remorse for it. It’s all about you, you, you. Personally, I’m glad she’s gone. She was always too good to be a club girl. In another life, she’d have had the husband, the kids, and a white picket fence to keep those dreams safe.”
I lean forward and snarl in his face. “Did you forget I can’t have kids? Not that it fucking matters now that she’s carrying someone else’s kid.”
“She’ll be an amazing mother. She has that maternal instinct thing women talk about, but she’d have walked away from the idea of kids for you. She wouldn’t have even had to think about it. She would have chosen you every single day of the week and twice on Sundays. All you had to do was choose her right back. But you never did.” He eases himself to his feet with a wince, his words flaying me alive because I can’t deny their truth.
“Leave her alone, Midas. You made it clear where she stands with you. Let someone else take their shot, someone who will make her their whole fucking world.” He ambles toward church, which is where everyone else is heading. I’m frozen on the spot, thinking about Legs moving on with someone else. I picture her giving my smile away to another man, my musical laugh, mythroaty moans. I imagine her with some fucker like the one in the park that day, and something like fear grips my chest.
“Midas, you okay?”
I turn my head mechanically and see Capone looking at me with a frown. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah? So what’s with the growling?”
I swallow and stand, walking past him toward church. He grabs my arm, and it takes everything I have not to turn around and swing at him, needing an outlet for all this anger festering inside me.
“Whatever it is, put it on pause while you’re in there. Havoc needs us today. You gotta get your head in the game.”
“My head is in the game.” I yank my arm free and keep walking. My head’s always in the game. It’s the only fucking thing I know how to do, how to be. Raven Souls are in my blood. The fact that Capone thinks he needs to remind me fuels my anger further.
I walk into the room and take my usual seat, not bothering to make conversation as everybody takes their seats. Instead of sitting at the head of the table, Havoc paces. G is sitting in the VP chair with his jaw clenched tight.
Once everyone has settled down, Havoc turns to address us all. “As most of you know, I went down to Hannibal’s chapter with Nevaeh, Circus, and Kruger.”
I look around and spot Kruger at the foot of the table, his face looking even more fucked-up than usual.
