I close my eyes and rest my chin on her head. “What do you see? Beyond these gates and after Raven’s. What do you see, Legs?”
She takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly. “I see a house with a big kitchen, one with an island where I can sit to drink my morning coffee and set freshly baked cookies. When I was a kid, I passed this house with white shutters and pretty pink flowers lining the path to the front door. Other girls my age dreamed of castles in the sky, but not me. I craved solid ground beneath my feet. I have no idea what happened to the people who lived there. They could’ve been miserable for all I knew, but something about that house just screamed happy family. And God, I wanted that more than anything. I wanted a home. Safety. A place to run to, not from. I guess some dreams never change.
Except they do. And picturing all the things she wants and needs hits me with a clarity that makes me want to scream.
To give her everything she’s dreamed of.
I have to let her go.
Part Two
Now
Chapter Eleven
Legs
I wipemy mouth with the back of my hand and rest my head against my knees.
Pregnant.
Two little lines were all it took to turn my world on its head. Even now, eight weeks later, I still can’t wrap my head around the news.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t been planning, though. I knew exactly how this would play out, so I packed up all my stuff and got Lil to drop my things off at a motel nearby that I’d paid a week ahead for, so I could store my things there. People are used to seeing her with bags for donations, so nobody questioned it.
I pick up my keys to my new apartment tomorrow. Everything I own will fit in the back of a cab, so after crashing at the motel tonight, I should be all moved in to my new apartment by tomorrow evening.
When Havoc got out of prison and became the new president, I thought things might settle down. I hadn’t seen Midas with any other woman, mostly because his free time was largely spent with me. When Amity’s best friend, Nevaeh,became Havoc’s old lady, I was as surprised as the next person. They couldn’t be any more opposite if they tried, and yet somehow the dynamic worked between them. Midas spent more time with me as a result and it was hard not to wonder if seeing G and Havoc settle down was making him reconsider his decision to have a relationship. And maybe he truly was. But would it be with me? The obstacles between us hadn’t changed, but perhaps Midas’ stance on them had. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up, but it was impossible when Midas’ hands worshiped me like I was his favorite prayer.
That hope disintegrated the second I saw those two pink lines. Right now, the only people who know are Lil and Nevaeh, but I’m just delaying the inevitable. With the chaos surround the club lately, Probe and Dice getting hurt, Nevaeh getting kidnapped and then finding her sister after years in captivity, I’d manage to fade into the background. But I’d run out of time. The puking is just one of the many signs that will give me away, and a baby isn’t something I can hide from forever.
I brush my teeth, then toss the toothbrush in the cardboard box on the end of my bed, the one holding the last of my things. I pick up my bunny and hug it to my chest, breathing it in, pretending I can still smell my mom as I try to find comfort in the choice I made. She said I’d reach a crossroads one day, and I never doubted her. I had it tattooed behind my ear as a reminder. I just never thought I’d end up facing the same kind of decision she did.
I pull out the letter and reread the lines that have haunted and comforted me over the years.
…one day,you’ll come to a crossroads,and you’ll need everything you’ve learned. Every trick I showed you and every ounce of courage you’ve got to help you choose the right path. I don’t know what you’ll face,but I know the easy way is usually the wrong one.
Be strong. Be brave. Take the hard path. Crawl uphill on your hands and knees if you have to, but keep going, because I promise you the air is better at the top than it is down here in the gutter.
Irefold it and slip it back into my bunny, steeling my shoulders, bracing myself for what’s to come.
This won’t be easy—in fact, it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve done—but I can do it. I will do it because I’m already completely in love with my baby, and nobody is going to take that away from me.
I think back to last night, and how I spent it wrapped around Midas, pouring every ounce of love and grief into our goodbye. I think he knew something was wrong, but he didn’t question it. He gave me that one perfect moment that I hope I’ll be able to look back on one day with fondness instead of regret.
There’s a knock on the door before it opens, and there he is. He rarely comes here, but he always knows when there’s something wrong. There’s no way he didn’t feel the change before I left his bed early this morning.
“Hey, I was wondering where you were.” His eyes sweep over me, then they drop to the box. I place the bunny inside as he frowns. “What’s going on?”
I sit on the edge of the bed and motion for him to join me. He does, but there’s a tension in his movements, like he’s bracing himself for impact.
“I’m leaving, Midas.”
He looks from me to the box, his eyes going wide.
“Not yet, Legs. You don’t need to go yet.” There’s a pleading quality to his voice that makes my heart ache.
“I do. And you have to let me go.”
