“Well,” Frank said, “this dinner just got a lot more interesting, now didn’t it?”
Mathew’s eyes glittered with something that made my blood pressure spike into dangerous territory.
You want a war, motherfucker?
You’ve got one.
25
TIRE SLASHER SUPPORT GROUP CHAT
AXEL
Blake: Axel, nice ride, man. [Sends picture of Axel looking murderous in the pink kitty mobile.]
Me: Where the hell did you get that?
Blake: Dude, you’re Chicago’s biggest playboy, driving a pink car covered in cartoon cats. You really think women wouldn’t snap photos and post them online?
Me: THEM??? As in several?
Jace: [Sends meme of Axel driving.] Forbes hottest CEO meets Hello Kitty’s nightmare.
Ryker: What the hell happened? Did you join the circus?
Blake: Did you lose a bet or something?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Blake: What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? *lol emoji*
Me: *middle finger emoji*
Ryker: OMG, I just saw another video. The horn MEOWED. I’m dead. RIP me. Here lies Ryker, dead from laughing too hard. [Sends GIF of a person laughing so hard, they spit out a drink.]
Jace: Did they not have something more masculine? Like a My Little Pony mobile? Or a Barbie Dream Car?
Me: You guys are getting on my last nerve.
Ryker: [Renames the group chat to Axel’s Pink Pussy Wagon Support Group.]
Me: I’m leaving this group chat.
Jace: Not until you tell us who did this. Because we KNOW this wasn’t voluntary. Did a business rival force you into automotive humiliation?
Blake: Was it a hostile takeover? “Sign here or drive the kitty car”? Did they threaten to release your browser history?
Ryker: Are we sure he wasn’t kidnapped? This feels like a hostage situation. Honk the MEOW horn twice if you need rescue.
Me: Fuck off. And it was Dakota. I’m going to kill her.
Jace: *laugh out loud emoji*
Ryker: [Sends GIF of a person laughing so hard, they fall to the ground.]
Me: I’m glad you guys are getting a big kick out of this.
Blake: Come on. Even you have to admit this is hilarious. Chicago’s biggest playboy, reduced to a meowing hot-PINK vehicle.
