With my fingers under his chin, I tip his head back and press a soft kiss to his mouth. “We got you, Baby.”
“I know, Sir. Thank you. I trust you.”
“I love you.”
Lio smiles breathtakingly, even if his eyes are sad and full of pain for a man who sure as fuck doesn’t deserve him, but…my beautiful, broken Puppy deserves to be happy, and I’ll do anything to make sure he is. Even if it means setting aside my murderous urges and fixing his former Master.
The silence is comforting. There’s nobody around to ask me questions, to try and force me to be who I’m not—who I never was to begin with. Luca stripped me of the role I was forced into, like the true friend he’s always been.
Having my uncle banned from the room hurts slightly. Not because I want him here—I don’t. I don’t want the reminders that the Family needs a leader. They do, but it’s not me. It should never have been me. Still, I know he loves me. Unfortunately, I don’t have the words to tell him that I’m not worthy of that love.
Perhaps at one time I was…the time when I was only Sandro, not Il Padrone. I may have helped shape the Family and made my mark, but it wasn’t the way it should have been. Shame fills me and I choke on the regrets. That’s what I have left. The regrets that threaten to drown me, and the memories thatswamp me, toy with me, remind me of what could have been, had I not possessed the gift of ruining everything.
Sighing, I stare at the meal waiting for me. It’s slowly turned cold as I can’t find any hunger. The emptiness within me can’t be filled by it, and it tastes like ash on my tongue. Doc has threatened to force feed me, and that’s the only reason I’ve managed the small amount I’ve been able to choke down. Not because of the humiliation of it, but I’d hate to add extra work onto him.
I groan quietly at the knock on the door. It won’t be who I need on the other side—the man who loved me despite my failings. And fuck, I’m thankful for it as much as it destroys me. If I’m lucky, it’ll be Luca coming to tell me a decision has been made. One I hope sets me free—permanently. Although, he seems convinced there’s something salvageable in me. I’m not sure why, but I don’t take it for granted, even if I wish he’d turn his back on me like I deserve.
The door was partially open to begin with, since the whispers around here say I can’t be trusted alone. Still, it’s not until the door fully opens that I realize it’s Sarah who has come to visit. I don’t say a word as she crosses the room and takes a seat. The comfortable silence becomes oppressive as it bears down on me with the way she’s studying me. Part of me wants to shout, to ask what she wants from me, but the rest of me is too fucking exhausted.
“How are you, Il Padrone?”
I flinch instinctively. “Please…please, don’t call me that.”
“Alright,” she replies slowly. “Allesandro then. Tell me, how are you doing?”
I still hate that name, but I let it go. At least, the weight of expectations for Allesandro is smaller than Il Padrone. “I’m…here. How are you?”
I pray that shifting the conversation works, but I know Sarah is a bulldog, it’s part of the reason I love her so much. Saving her was one of the few things I did right. If I could revive her abusive ex, I’d do it all over again.
With a slight cough to draw my attention back to her, she replies, “I’m well. Working for the Council is fun. All three of them are well suited. As are their men.”
That draws a smile from me and I try to grab onto it, but it fades too soon, just like always. The pride that fills me about the Boys, and especially, Emilio finding his place, is there, even if it lingers just out of reach at times. Emotions…my body can’t hold them anymore, and I want to cry at that.Who knew stepping into the icy coldness of Il Padrone would be painful?It’s why I can’t behimagain.
Eventually, I break the mounting tension with a simple, “Good. I’m…glad.”
Sarah mutters something in frustration, but I don’t catch it. Nor do I ask her to repeat it. My mind is already tired from her visit. She gave me the comfort of knowing that those I love have been well. Now, I just want to be left with the memories, to unravel in privacy.
I’m so damn tired of trying to hold myself together. The broken pieces don’t fit anymore, and sometimes…sometimes it’s better if you throw shattered glass out instead of trying to fix it. It’s the same for my soul.
With a sigh, Sarah hits my weakest spot. “Lio is doing exceptionally well. He’s truly embraced being a Boss. Although, I think Hollis and Tennant have helped with that. They give him support and love regularly. Even if it’s slightly odd to hear Lio refer to Tennant as Daddy.”
My entire being seizes for a moment, and I rub at my chest, wondering if poison has seeped in, but it’s there and gone beforeI know it. Instead, I’m filled with gratitude. “Thank fuck. Those two will give him what he needs.”
I relax into the bed, with a smile that actually lingers on my face. She’s given me the greatest gift. The knowledge that my love is safe, that he’ll have everything he needs.
Growling, she stands, throwing her hands up. “I don’t get this. I know you love Lio, despite what you did. I’ve never had to doubt how much you care for him. Why the fuck are you just…rolling over?”
Blinking, I stare at her fury, even if it doesn’t touch me. I cast my mind for something to say, and I finally settle on words similar to my uncle’s. “What does a man who treated his greatest gift like trash deserve? Who annihilated every good thing he had in life?”
She shakes her head, cursing as she paces. Finally, she whirls around, facing me. Folding her arms, she taps her shoe against the tile, clearly waiting for a better answer. When none are forthcoming, she turns sharply and strides toward the door. Taking pity, I stop her in an attempt to provide a better understanding—even if it’s one she should already know. She’s lived it, and I ended the fucker.
“Sarah?” She doesn’t look back, but she does hesitate. Clearing my throat, I add what forcefulness I have left into my voice, drawing a deep breath and then give her the truth. “He doesn’t deserve to live. And he never will.”
Her body tenses before she slumps, walking out as if she’s aged a hundred years. I hate that I’ve put that on her, but she had to know the truth. It’s what I live with every day. They think I’ll kill myself, but I won’t. I can’t take the kill away from the Council. It’s the right choice for them to make—to cut out the old, to usher in the new.
My life is the only thing I have left to give my love, the other half of me—the better half. Until then, I’ll stay here, stuck inthe cold jail of reality. A jail I’ve made out of regrets, pain, and failures. May there be mercy for me on the other side. I don’t deserve any here…
Entering Benjamin’s office, I can't help but smile at the personal touches he’s added, such as photos of him and the Little Monster, and his certificates. There are decorative pillows on the small couch in the corner, and a fucking plant.A plant.Who has time to care for another living thing with all the shit we’re dealing with? Benjamin, of course. It’s something endearing and totally him, and I wish I had the inclination to appreciate it, rather than wonder if the damn plant will be the only bright spot of this conversation.
