Stared and stared and stared.
This felt like a nightmare.
Maybe it wasn’t real.
Maybe if I closed my eyes long enough, I’d wake up.
Yeah.
I closed my eyes, tuning out the monotonous drone of the rabbi and the ringing in my ears.
I pictured Mom and Lauren. Or…I tried to. But their faces weren’t coming into focus, and this thick, heavy sludge of dread started to envelop me.
I opened my eyes as my arm started to itch under the cast, bringing me right back to reality.
In another reality, they were still alive.
In another reality, that truck driver hadn’t overfilled his tires, the truck’s rear tire hadn’t exploded, hitting the car in front of us, making them swerve, makingusswerve into the car to our right.
In another reality, it hadn’t been snowing, we’d been able to afford new tires so that we weren’t driving on rubber with no tread and Mom could’ve stopped in time before crashing through the guardrail and flying over the cliff.
In another reality, I would’ve been wearing my seatbelt so that I could’ve been inside that car with them.
Died with them.
Because this reality…
This reality, where I was here and they were gone, where Dad looked at me like it was my fault, like it wasmewho’d killed them…
This wasn’t a reality I wanted to live in anymore.
Itwasme who’d killed them. We’d been driving tomyannual violin competition.
The only reason I was still alive was because I was ejected from the car.
If I’d just worn my seatbelt…
A hand fell onto my shoulder, and I looked up at Dad. I’d never seen that kind of expression on his face before the accident. He’d been wearing it since the day I first saw him again.
Like there was nothing left in the world for him now. Like he’d had his soul ripped from his body and in its place was the deepest well of sadness and despair that he’d never escape from.
Like he wasn’t my dad anymore, just a broken, hopeless shell of a man.
He’d burst into my hospital room just minutes after I’d woken up, his eyes wild and red, his face stained with tears. He’dlooked around the room instead of at me, like he was trying to find someone else, and that…
That was going to stick with me for the rest of my life.
He used to smile at me and tell me he loved me. He used to laugh and joke with me. He used to tell me and Lauren that he’d love us no matter what, and we used to joke around, trying to list ridiculous things that would end his love for us, but no matter what we said, he always said he’d still love us regardless.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear him laugh or see him smile again, and he hadn’t told me he loved me once since the accident.
I didn’t think he did anymore, and I didn’t blame him.
A boy in my class had lost his dad a few years back. He was a soldier, and his unit had driven over an IED on regular patrol.
My classmate missed a lot of school, and when he came back he’d been so different. I hadn’t really understood it then. I’d felt sorry for him, sure. The idea of losing a parent or someone you loved was awful.
But I never thought it would happen to me.
