Fuck that,I wasn’t leaving.
I couldn’t leave—not when I’d just found something worth living for. And I couldn’t do something so cruel to the only person in the world who loved me.
An hour later I was unpacking my bags and putting aside all my self-pity.
All I could imagine, when I thought about what came next, was a whole life of nothing ahead of me. Just…absolutely nothing. Of waking up in an empty bed, falling asleep alone, moving through life entirely alone.
I couldn’t go back to the life I was living before him.
I might as well go for what I truly wanted because what did I have to lose? A life full of nothing, that’s what.
Dakota deserved to be the one to choose whether or not he wanted to be with me after he knew. I would tell him everything, and leave it up to him.
Yeah.
Maybe he would forgive me, maybe he’d understand, or maybe he’d need some time to come to terms with it andthenforgive me.
Or maybe he’d tell me to get lost, that this was all a huge mistake and I was the world’s biggest asshole for lying to him like this.
Whatever he decided, I’d just have to live with it.
It didn’t take long to unpack everything; I’d gotten halfway through my clothes before realizing I couldn’t just leave like this.
When I was done, I curled up in his bed.
I was still gonna keep his pillowcase, though. I put a different one on his pillow and was hoping he wouldn’t notice.
I felt a million times lighter after deciding to stay, and the relief of knowing I’d get to see him again was all-consuming.
Now I just had to figure out how I’d tell him. And when. And what I’d do about his dad, because Albert had basically told me he’d cut my scholarship funding, and I didn’t doubt for a second he actually would.
Even though everything had just gotten ten times more complicated, I couldn’t stop smiling.
My dad’s words from so long ago crowded into my mind.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.
I never really knew what that meant, not until I got older. It always annoyed the shit out of me because I didn’t understand—but I wanted to.
And when I realized how simple it was, I just laughed at my younger self.
You had to give something to get something.
I wanted Dakota. And if I wanted him, I had to give something in return. Or give somethingup.
I thought in this case, I’d have to give up the fear that this would end someday. I’d have to let go of that excruciating terror that he’d be taken from me too soon or leave of his own free will before I was ready—and I didn’t think I’d ever be ready.
If I wanted Dakota, I couldn’t hesitate to love him. I had to go all in, give it everything I had, givehimeverything I had, everything I was.
Everything ended, I knew that. It was just a matter of when. And even if I only got a few more days or a few more hours with Dakota, I wanted them. I would keep those memories and cherish them until I died.
A laugh bubbled from my chest, fell from my lips, and snowballed into something embarrassingly hysterical.
Falling in love was like going mad.
It was like being dropped into a fiery pit of overwhelming emotions that burned through your deepest parts, transforming them into something unrecognizable. Melting them down into their purest forms, molding them into a perfect vessel for all that love.
And with it came the strongest yearning to do whatever it took to make your love happy.
