He slowly slid down to the ground, keeping hold of my shirt and leaning into me.
I grabbed the hem of my sweatshirt he was wearing. “You should take this off?—”
He batted my hands away. “No, leave it on. I want it on. It smells like you. You smell like you, too.” He rubbed his faceagainst my chest, and I wasn’t sure how he could hate me and want to be near me all at once.
Or maybe he just didn’t remember that he hated me right now.
Was it bad that I hoped he never remembered? That I wished this could all just be some fucked-up dream? A miserable nightmare, like he’d said?
“Okay. We’ll leave it on. Let’s brush our teeth, okay?”
“Mm.”
I turned him around and set his hands on the counter, pressing against him from behind, caging him in to keep him steady, then grabbed our toothbrushes, put toothpaste on them, and gave him his.
He watched me brush my teeth in the mirror, then started to do the same. His movements were painfully slow and awkward, and I had to help him rinse off his toothbrush when he was done. Then I filled a cup with water and made him drink it.
When he was done, he leaned back against me and let me wrap my arms around him. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Together?” he asked again, as if he’d already forgotten—or he needed to be reassured that I wasn’t about to leave him alone.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
I took his hand and led him out of the bathroom, then sat him down on my bed. “Take your pants off and get comfortable, I’m gonna clean up a little bit and I’ll be back in a few minutes. Just lie down, alright?”
I was about to turn away when he grabbed onto my hand. “No, don’t go, don’t?—”
The panic in his voice devastated me, and I turned around and knelt between his legs, cupping his cheeks as I stared up at him. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll be right here. You canwatch me the whole time. I just want to clean up a bit. It’s okay, Reese.”
His eyes welled with tears, and he covered my hands with his. “What did I do wrong? What did I…” His bottom lip quivered, and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning up and kissing him softly, just once.
“You didnothingwrong. Nothing. Okay? Absolutely nothing. That wasn’t me who said those things. It wasn’t me. I would never, ever talk to you like that. Do you believe me?”
Tears spilled down his cheeks as he squeezed his eyes shut. He nodded, then shook his head.
“I need you so bad it hurts,” he rasped. “It hurts, Dakota. Right here.” He pointed to his chest, to his heart, and I felt like he was ripping my own heart into pieces. “I don’t even know…I don’t even…I don’t know how I survived without you all this time. But god I hate you. I hate that I need you like this, but I can’t lose you. If I lose someone else, I’ll die. I know I will. I feel like I’d do anything to keep you, and that…” He closed his eyes as another tear slipped down his cheek. “It’s like I wanna pretend you didn’t say those things because then I can still keep you. Tell me it wasn’t you,” he whispered.
My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, the intensity of everything he was making me feel almost too much.
“It wasn’t me,” I said softly. “It wasn’t me, darling. It was Everett.”
He tipped forward and sobbed into my shoulder, pressing himself into me. “I knew it. I fucking knew it.”
I stroked the side of his head as he cried, shaking against me.
I wasn’t sure how, but I was going to make Everett pay for this. I’d spent a lifetime ignoring his fucked-up actions, but this went too far. He didn’t get to get away with hurting Reese like this.
Reese, who had the softest, sweetest heart underneath all those spiky thorns. Reese, who just wanted to be loved, to be seen, even if he pretended otherwise. To be held and cherished and understood. Who was terrified of all of those things, who wasn’t good at handling all the big emotions he was feeling.
I never wanted him to be afraid again.
When Reese stopped crying and was just sniffling, I pulled back and tried to get him to lie down again. “I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be right here. Just rest.”
He nodded and lay back against the pillows, keeping those big, sad eyes on me.
I started picking up everything on the floor; first the books, then the clothes, then the food. I’d have to do a deeper clean tomorrow, but this would suffice for tonight. I tried to clean up the bathroom, too, throwing away the hair Reese had cut off and picking up the things he’d tossed every which way.
