I’d keep shaving it and shaving it and shaving it until I was gone.
I jumped when my phone started to ring, hissing in pain as the clippers dug into the side of my head right behind my ear.
There’d probably be a bald spot there now.
I turned off the trimmer and followed the sound of my phone, wiping the tears off my face. It was behind my dresser, so I knelt down and reached underneath, pulling it out.
It was an unknown number. Was it Dakota?
I swiped to answer so fast that I cut my finger on the chipped part of the screen.
“Dakota? Is?—”
“Hi! This is Susie from National Auto World! We?—”
I hung up and dropped my phone onto the bed. I felt like I was losing my goddamn mind.
I returned to the bathroom and stared at my reflection, looking at the shitty buzz job and the thick stripe of longer hair that ran from the center of my forehead to the nape of my neck, like an ugly, pathetic, ratty little mohawk.
I should just leave it like that.
My gaze drifted to the hideous port-wine stain covering my right cheek, and my lip curled. Fucking ugly. That’s all I was now. All I’d ever been.
Ugly, ugly, ugly.
I flipped off the light, dragged my shirt over my head, threw it somewhere near the foot of my bed, then stared at the mess I’d made in the room.
It didn’t feel like enough, but I was exhausted now. I just wanted to lie down and drift away from reality. Even my nightmares would be better than this.
I crawled into bed, every bone in my body feeling like it was made of lead. I turned toward the window, staring out into the darkness. There was no moon or stars tonight, only a black blanket of clouds that I wished I could disappear into.
I wondered if Dakota was afraid, wherever he was, or if he had a light.
Then I cried myself to sleep.
I should’ve worn a jacket.Or a sweatshirt, at the very least. I hadn’t been thinking about the weather or the fact that it was getting late or that I might be too cold.
I hadn’t been thinking much at all today. Hadn’t done much of anything, either. Just lain in bed all day, numb and drained.
It was better than feeling all those riotous emotions from yesterday. I’d much rather be numb than anything else.
I kicked a rock on the pavement and watched it go skittering ahead. There wasn’t much to see in between the street lamps, just darkness and the next light.
A crisp breeze ruffled what hair was left on my head, and I shivered, sticking my hands into my pockets.
After spending the entire day in bed doing absolutely nothing, I’d finally gotten up as the sun was setting. I wanted to get out of that stifling room, to go breathe fresh air instead of all the lingering horrible emotions I’d poisoned the room with.
I didn’t want to feel like I was still waiting for Dakota to return.
I left the dorm and walked and walked and walked without paying attention to where I was going, just letting myself get lost in how good it felt to be outside, to be away from that room. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been walking when I came upon a street of houses that all had Greek letters on them.
I didn’t know Ashbrook had frats; the long row of houses stretched far down the street, and though most were dark and quiet at this time of night, I saw one lit up about a block down. Saw people moving around out front, lights flashing inside. Heard the distant thump of heavy bass.
A party.
A party meant alcohol, didn’t it?
And alcohol meant forgetting.
