Jared’s looking at me with an expression I can’t quite read. His thumb traces my jawline, careful and reverent, and for a moment, I think he might kiss me again. Instead, he swallows hard and forces his mouth into a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“If I were, how was my performance overall? Did I convince you?”
“Oh, I was very convinced. But I feel like I might need regular reminders.”
His muscles stiffen under me. Shit. I quickly continue. “We’re both single, right? I don’t think there’s anything stopping us from turning this into a friends-with-benefits thing.”
When I manage to meet his eyes, he’s searching my face like he’s looking for something. His Adam’s apple bobs. His mouth opens, then closes like he’s swallowing words he can’t say. His hand comes up to touch my face again, and there’s something almost pained in his expression.
“Felix…” He says my name like it’s a question and an answer all at once.
“Unless you don’t want to,” I add quickly, suddenly terrified I’ve misread everything. Was this just a sympathy thing because I said I thought no one desired me?
“No, I—” He stops himself, jaw clenching. When he speaks again, his voice is carefully controlled. “I just don’t want to ruin our friendship. It’s really important to me.”
“I’m thinking hooking up is more of an enhancement to our friendship than a way to ruin it,” I say.
“An enhancement,” he repeats slowly, like he’s testing how the word feels in his mouth. His fingers tighten on my waist, and there’s something in his eyes that I can’t quite read before he blinks and it’s gone. “Is that really what you want? To be friends who occasionally…” He gestures vaguely at our current state of undress.
The question hangs between us. Shit. I’ve backed myself into a corner. Because no, that’s not what I want at all.
I want more than just a friends-with-benefits arrangement. So much more.
My chest feels like it’s caving in. I can feel the real words trying to escape my throat. “I want you to choose me. Really choose me. Not just for tonight, not just for sex, but for everything.”
But that’s not what guys who look like me get to ask for anymore, is it? We get pity fucks and friends with benefits. We get “you’re so brave” instead of “you’re so beautiful.” We get careful kindness instead of desperate want.
Except…except Jared just kissed me like I was oxygen and he was drowning. So maybe?—
No. Don’t be stupid, Felix. Take whatever pieces of Jared you can get.
Because I’m too much of a coward to be completely honest with him. I’m too afraid that asking for more will mean getting nothing at all.
So I nod, even though it feels like swallowing glass. Something flickers across his face, but it’s too fast to read.
“Okay,” he says quietly, and I can’t tell if that’s disappointment or relief in his voice. “Friends with benefits, it is.”
Chapter 7
Despite my best efforts, I find it hard to concentrate the next day on the correct way to express a cocker spaniel’s anal glands without getting sprayed in the face.
Instead, my mind continues to drift to what happened last night with Jared.
Honestly, I don’t think a hot frotting session has ever been obsessed over quite as much as I currently am.
It wasn’t just that I finally had Jared touching me again after such a dry spell. It was the way helookedat me. There was this hunger in his eyes that made my chest tight. And he touched me like I was something precious.
My phone buzzes while I’m cleaning up after dealing with a particularly vindictive cockatiel who seemed to think my hair was nesting material.
Getting the Goons season finale is out. Want to watch it tonight?
My heart does that stupid flutter thing it always seems to do when I get a message from Jared. I try to type back casually,but autocorrect keeps changingsuretosire, which feels weirdly medieval for the situation. I finally get my phone to behave to send a normal reply.
Sounds great. Your place?
Yeah, I’ll order Thai.
My favorite. And I love the fact that I don’t even have to tell Jared what to order because he already has my favorite dishes saved on his app.
